Hello Kitty

Why is it that when you are indisposed (and by indisposed, I totally mean sitting in a comfy leather chair getting my nails done by a tiny Vietnamese woman) you have all your best blog ideas? And why don’t they stick in your brain for more than five minutes? Or is this just me? Because I will admit, as I sat there laughing inside my head (as I so often do) and listening to all the great ideas the voices had, I was instantly distracted by a shiny object. On the front counter, no more than two feet away from my wandering eyes, was a glittery, one foot high, motorized cat whose arm waved hello to people coming in. And….it was glittery, gold lamay. No lie. And I tried so hard to stay focused and keep repeating the lines in my head so I could frantically type them into my phone when the nail polish dried, but the cat kept waving at me. And it kind of made me smile. And did I mention it was shiny?? Stupid glittery, gold lamay cat that makes me smile and steals my bestest thoughts. Damn you!

It’s funny because the lady that does my nails is very pleasant, speaks English that I can decipher for the most part, and always remembers my name and thinks to ask how my kids are doing. Yet, and I hate to say this, she has the absolute worst breath I have ever had the misfortune to encounter. I mean, she wears one of those cloth surgical masks (which freak me out, because if there is something toxic in the air, where is MY surgical mask) and I can smell her breath as if she were tongue kissing me. No lie. It’s like something crawled out of her ass, died, crawled into her mouth, died again and was absorbed into her gums. And then she breathes it onto me. Gross.

And apparently they don’t realize that in order to continue to thrive as a business, you as an employee have to market the business as well. As I was sitting there having my acrylic beauty applied to my fragile, peeling human nails, I looked at her gloriously long and lustrous nails, and asked “How do you get your nails to look like that?” To which she replied “I don’t put this stuff on my nails (referencing the acrylic)”. Um, hello! What she should have said in a perfect universe was “I wore acrylic nails so long that they strengthened my natural nails so please come back time and time again. The process takes about 20 years”. Sweet naïve little Vietnamese woman with stinky ass breath.

Also, as a side note, I totally realize by posting this, I will have to find a new nail place should I ever become rich and famous and have this crap I speak published, but it’s a risk I am willing to take.