pack it into an SUV instead of a Geo Metro.
As a right of passive into Spring and Summer, we start to notice the ass munchers coming out. What is an ass muncher, you ask? An ass muncher is a teeny, tiny pair of shorts worn by girls between the ages of 15-25 that ride so far up their adolescent asses, that their ass starts to munch on the cotton/poly fabric as if partaking in an afternoon snack. I live near a college where ass munching is a popular pastime. I believe that when you are young and you have a bangin’ body, free from the stretch marks of childbirth or the cellulite that comes with middle age, you should work it however you chose. However, these girls’ bodies….not so bangin’.
There is an epidemic going on out here in good old Perry, NY called “The Lovehandle Syndrome”. All the girls have it. It isn’t the freshman 20 or a symptom complicated by wearing the wrong pants, it is part of the culture out here. And they all have stick legs. It looks like a sea of bowling balls walking around on stilts. They squeeze their size 12 asses into size 8, low rise jeans, throw on a wonder bra and a faded tank top, top it off with a pair of flip flops, and make a day out of it. It’s really quite sad, yet oddly fun to watch. Once again, I digressed from my main point.
The ass munchers. A society of girls who think it’s sexy to wear shorts, whether denim or cotton, that are so short that as they walk the back end rises up into the crack of their asses and make it look as though each cheek were its own separate entity. Sometimes the asses have words on them. It might have said Juicy when they put the shorts on, but after a 5 minute hike to class their ass now reads Jucy. And don’t even get me started on the cellulite and thigh flab these girls sport because I might have to vomit up my protein shake.
How did I come to live in a place where it was socially acceptable for your ass to eat your pants and no one seems to notice or pass a law against it? Should we form support groups for these girls? Should we hire additional law enforcement to site them for lude conduct? Can we get some volunteers to walk around campus randomly yanking girls shorts out of their asses and giving them a pair that fit? I don’t know the answers but if the world is being taken over by these love handle sporting, ass crack shorts eating, tank top with booby flab wearing girls, it might not be a world I want to raise my children in.