Sunday, April 11, 2010

Who wears short shorts?

I've heard of junk in the trunk, but I wish you would
pack it into an SUV instead of a Geo Metro.

As a right of passive into Spring and Summer, we start to notice the ass munchers coming out. What is an ass muncher, you ask? An ass muncher is a teeny, tiny pair of shorts worn by girls between the ages of 15-25 that ride so far up their adolescent asses, that their ass starts to munch on the cotton/poly fabric as if partaking in an afternoon snack. I live near a college where ass munching is a popular pastime. I believe that when you are young and you have a bangin’ body, free from the stretch marks of childbirth or the cellulite that comes with middle age, you should work it however you chose. However, these girls’ bodies….not so bangin’.

There is an epidemic going on out here in good old Perry, NY called “The Lovehandle Syndrome”. All the girls have it. It isn’t the freshman 20 or a symptom complicated by wearing the wrong pants, it is part of the culture out here. And they all have stick legs. It looks like a sea of bowling balls walking around on stilts. They squeeze their size 12 asses into size 8, low rise jeans, throw on a wonder bra and a faded tank top, top it off with a pair of flip flops, and make a day out of it. It’s really quite sad, yet oddly fun to watch. Once again, I digressed from my main point.

The ass munchers. A society of girls who think it’s sexy to wear shorts, whether denim or cotton, that are so short that as they walk the back end rises up into the crack of their asses and make it look as though each cheek were its own separate entity. Sometimes the asses have words on them. It might have said Juicy when they put the shorts on, but after a 5 minute hike to class their ass now reads Jucy. And don’t even get me started on the cellulite and thigh flab these girls sport because I might have to vomit up my protein shake.

How did I come to live in a place where it was socially acceptable for your ass to eat your pants and no one seems to notice or pass a law against it? Should we form support groups for these girls? Should we hire additional law enforcement to site them for lude conduct? Can we get some volunteers to walk around campus randomly yanking girls shorts out of their asses and giving them a pair that fit? I don’t know the answers but if the world is being taken over by these love handle sporting, ass crack shorts eating, tank top with booby flab wearing girls, it might not be a world I want to raise my children in.


  1. I hear ya sistah!

    I used to think that these chicks were completely unaware of how awful that looked until I realised that for some weird reason they think it's sexy...

  2. “The Lovehandle Syndrome”? I thought it was called "Muffin Top"? you know when you squeeze a size 12 ass into a size 8 jean and then have the muffin top spilling over the jeans.

  3. QIMP - I KNOW!! They strut the streets as if their ass cracks were made of gold and we were lucky to catch a glimpse of it!

    Yvonne - either way, we both agree they try to shove 10 pounds of fat into a 5 pound bag and it ain't pretty!

  4. Look, I'm so freakin old I recall when it was a cause for consternation if your bloody bra strap was showing.

    Now apparently if you're wearing more than about 10 inches of material you just arent in fashion...having said that I'm about to post a picture of me in my manky pj' perhaps we've all relaxed our standards.

  5. And conversely, the boys (my boy including, which is deeply disturbing to me) are all going around wearing pants three times to big that that leave a good four inches of boxers exposed. Come to think of it, my oldest daughter falls into this category here that you've so succinctly described, and I don't know how to tell her the look is not working for her because she's gained a bit of weight and I don't want her to feel badly, which she totally would if I said your shorts are too short and tight.

  6. My son is only 10 so for now he believes me when I tell him if he starts to wear his pants around the bottom of his ass I will duct tape them to his waist. But again, he is 10. A few years can change a lot of things.

    As for your daughter, I remember all too well I was 18 and started to put on weight. Everyone saw it but me, and so I continued wearing shorts that were too short and no one said a word. I would like to think I would have liked for someone to be honest and tell me they didn't look good, but I fear my psyche could not have handled it. If you find a subtle way to brace the subject, please do share!