Monday, August 23, 2010

I am like the absentee mother who left her blog in the car on a really hot day. It should be taken away from me until I start to pay attention to it and fulfill my obligations as a blogger. But alas, there are no blogger police and I would spank myself for my negligence but I'm afraid I might like it and then we'd end up right back where we started.

There is SO much going on right now and I don't have the time to write it all because I have a meatloaf in the oven and a football practice for my son in an hour, but I wanted to memorialize this moment in my blogging history before an epic event happens. To date, 5 months post gastric bypass, I have lost....

Drumroll, please.....


Which means I am 10 pounds away from my first goal of 100 pounds.

No, seriously.

Sounds obscene, right?

I have lost a small teenager. How fantastic and yet disturbing is that? I feel like a whole new person. I am still running, and while I can't yet run a 5K, I am signed up for one in a couple of weeks. I don't care if they have to drag my lifeless corpse over the finish line, I will complete it.

So, before the meatloaf burns and my son has to run a gazillion laps for being late to practice, let me write a short synopsis of my life right now, and I promise to elaborate on the details later in the week:

My mom is visiting from AZ for three weeks and all is right with the world.

My sister had her baby on Friday the 13th and he is the most perfect baby EVER, and I am totally in love :)

My baby sister is getting married in 11 days and her bachelorette party is this weekend so I have total "what am I going to wear" ADD.

My sons first football game of the season is this coming weekend. The day AFTER the bachelorette party. This is NOT going to be good.

The kids go back to school in 2 weeks. Thank you sweet baby Jesus.

I am applying for jobs like a maniac and had a super interview today for a great job that I have a real shot at.

Hopefully, this gives you some insight into the craziness that is my life and wins me some sympathy so you don't abandon me for someone who actually blogs on a regular basis.

Oh, and here is me MINUS 90 pounds:

If you need something to do until I get back, feel free to look back through my blog at old pictures and point and laugh. Until next time....

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Thinking Thin Mantra #8...Part Deux

Do you need it? Or do you want it? There’s a big difference.

I wasn't sure what I was going to write as Part 2 of this blog, until this past weekend. Then it all came crashing down and I got smacked in the face by reality harder than a $2 ho gets smacked by her pimp on a $5 night. I had my first (and hopefully only) ambulance ride. And FYI, the EMT's were NOT hot, they didn't rip my shirt open like on ER to get good "breath sounds" and when we pulled up to the ER door, there were no interns with rock hard abs and lustful misery in their eyes waiting for me. Total rip off.

Saturday morning started out great. I woke up so happy because I had family coming out to spend the weekend. We were going to have a picnic at Letchworth State Park and hike and take pictures. It was all going to be very Swiss Family Robinson and shit. I remember at one point, I got up to go to the kitchen and I had a slight pain in my belly. I ignored, as I often do, and just figured I moved wrong or ate too fast. When the family arrived and we headed to the park, I noticed it was getting a little worse. I still ignored it because apparently I am a RETARD. Once we ate lunch, I was in quite a bit of pain. And, knowing that I should listen to my body and perhaps rest, what did I do next? Logically, I went hiking of course! Not the smartest idea I had all day. By the time we were finished with our expedition, we were sweaty and sticky, took lots of tacky tourist-y pictures, were sick of listening to kids scream and I was in utter, and complete agony.

We got home and I changed into comfy clothes because I was sure this would solve everything. Within a half hours time I was writhing in pain on the couch screaming as if a 10 pound turd were going to shoot out of my ass at any minute. The pain was like someone had taken my guts in both hands and was twisting it in opposite directions. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move and all I wanted at that moment was death, sweet peaceful death. Let me say this, I have NEVER in my life even CONSIDERED calling an ambulance and I have gone through some painful shit in my life. But when my husband asked if he should call the ambulance that day it was everything I could do not to scream through clenched and shivering teeth, "YES, PLEASE FUCK JESUS CHRIST CALL THE GODDAMNED AMBULANCE!!!!". I don't even remember half of this ordeal, it hurt that bad. I do remember the two volunteer EMT's who smelled like they just came from a cow tipping contest or a rodeo of sorts putting me on the stretcher and then DROPPING ME three feet to the ground. This was NOT going well.

The hospital I was forced to go to has been mocked, sensationalized and told to be one of the WORST hospitals ever, and it surely lived up to its reputation. They left me in a room, with some half assed pain killer, for almost three hours before taking me up for a CT Scan. No one came in to check on me, take vitals, see if I needed a blanket, or even make sure I was still alive. If surgery were needed, I would have been better off letting my husband perform it with a rusty coat hanger and some Tylenol. Finally, they came in after the scan (and after my husband almost ripped the nurses bell OFF of the wall and tore them a new asshole) and gave me drugs that knocked me out. For about 20 minutes. Then just as the pain kicked back in, the persnickety and almost unintelligable on call doctor came in and said the CT scan was fine, here are some Darvocet for the pain, and have a nice life you dumb bitch. Well, without the "dumb bitch" part but it was implied.

I got home and slept. And slept. And then slept some more. Over the next couple days of resting the pain was subsiding. To this day, we still aren't sure exactly what happened. My regular doctor that I saw Monday morning says more than likely I overdid it and pulled a muscle at the abdominal incision site. It happens apparently when you are a maniac who never slows down. Or listens to your body. Or tries to run and exercise like you are 100 pounds lighter and 20 years younger.

The moral of the story is this. You can't always get what you want. For me, I WANT to be a runner in the worst way. I WANT to finish losing this weight ASAP and be thin and fit. But what I NEED is to realize it isn't going to happen overnight, and that by pushing my body beyond its physical limits, I am only going to deter my progress and possibly cause damage that I won't be able to reverse. I WANT to finish this 5k next month stronger than I have ever been, but I NEED to remember that the fact that I am doing it at all is something greater than I ever thought I would even be capable of doing.

Sometimes getting what you WANT without listening to what your body NEEDS only lands you flat on your ass, doped up on pain killers, missing out on life.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Thinking Thin Mantra #8...and other things...

Thinking thin Mantra #8:

Do you need it? Or do you want it? There’s a big difference.

Part 1 of a 2 part series....

This statement can pertain to OH SO MANY THINGS....but for the sake of keeping my ADD in check, and keeping this PG Rated, let's say it pertains to my new lifestyle.

I want to warn you that I am about to whine about something completely ridiculous and unnecessary, but it has to be done. I used to have a closet full of clothes that would rival Christian Dior. I had more clothes than I could even keep out at one time. Twice a year, I had to pack away one set of clothes to make room for entire bins full of other clothes. I had two dressers and an oversized closet full of kick ass jeans, gorgeous sweaters and blouses and items I forgot I even bought that still had tags attached. Granted, they were all 10 sizes bigger than I am now, but I was pretty rockin' for a fat chick. I no longer own a single remnant of that life. It has all been sold, donated or given to friends. I have been reduced to ONE closet that now houses everything I own and empty dresser drawers. No sooner do I buy new clothes than I grow out of them and need new ones. I have become the exact person I used to scoff at. I am the mom grocery shopping in my running sneakers, yoga pants and t-shirts that are too big. I can't even bring myself to buy things most of the time, because I know as soon as I love them and get attached to them, I will have to give them away. I am sure there are women all over the world reading this right now wanting to drop kick me in the spleen for complaining about losing too much weight, but if you only knew how much I LOVE my clothes, you would understand.

This is where the want vs. need mantra comes into play. I WANT new clothes because I NEED new clothes, but I cannot keep throwing money away on things that I don't get use out of. I become emotionally attached to a good pair of jeans that hug my smaller ass or a sweater that makes my stomach look flatter than it really is, and to give it up before our affair is over just seems sad and wrong on so many levels. And that makes me so much more impatient about getting to my goal weight so I can re-stock my wardrobe and feel whole again. I realize losing 80 pounds in 4.5 months is a pretty big deal, but I wish I had a fast forward button that would take me to the end of this journey and to the front door of the nearest shopping mall.

I am trying to remind myself that it is important to remember each and every day of this journey I am on so that I don't end up back at square one, but fall trends are out and I am jonesing for a shopping spree. Even my shoes have gotten too big and to giving them up is like giving away a child, or an appendage. It is painful and filled with teary eyed sadness. There was a moment recently when I sold my very favorite shoes EVER on eBay, before I even got to wear them, and I swear I sat in my room with them on my feet for a good 10 minutes before I was able to put them in the box and ship them off. Goodbye my high heeled friend, it was nice knowing you.

I guess the opposite side of this situation is that there are SO MANY more options out there for regular sized clothes. I mean, the websites and sales never end and this could be a really scary thing. I definitely need to go back to work....and have my husband build me a bigger closet....and another dresser. I "window shop" online, meaning I fill cart after cart on webpage after webpage, and rack up thousands of dollars worth of wish items that I would like to own, and then I empty them all before I burn a hole in my credit card. Because at this stage in the game, what is the point really?

So tomorrow, part 2 of this post will actually pertain to that for which it was intended...exercise and lifestyle change. But I just had to get this whole clothing thing out in the open because it was emotionally draining me. Everytime I looked in my closet I wanted to cry and go shopping. And if you can't imagine how it is that I could have outgrown everything I owned in 4 months, let me just show you this:

Craziness, right?