Thursday, October 25, 2012

50 Shades of Cray Cray

Most people take getting to know someone WAY too seriously. I don’t care how good you are at balancing a checkbook or how quickly you can type a letter for your boss. I want to know the fun stuff. I want to know things about you that you are afraid to say out loud. We need to have a little less shame and humility about the random things that make us each unique.

I’ll go first. Feel free to follow suit.

50 things about me that you never knew (and probably could have lived life without knowing):

1) I secretly fear everything. Car accidents, plane crashes, the roof of my house caving in on my skull while I am quietly drinking wine and watching Full House. I can pretty much guess that when I die, it will be a total WTF moment. “How did your wife die?” “She was doing a backbend during yoga when her spine split in half, causing her body to collapse onto a rusty nail, which punctured a vital artery and she bled out all over the new rug. She would have lived had a plane flying over head not flown too low, taking off the roof of our house and sucking her up into a super human vacuum, flinging her lifeless body across the street into a shallow creek where she drowned because she landed face down and couldn’t crawl to safety on account of her busted spine.”

2) Christmas decorating in my house can not happen unless NKOTB is busting out Merry, Merry Christmas on my CD player. My A Christmas Story leg lamp must also be lit and I must have ample room to spread out all 6 bins of all the Christmas crap I own so I can plot and analyze the placement of it all. It’s a variable slew of circumstances that have to happen or the universe will slide off it’s axis and Santa’s sleigh will not fly. If you are shaking your head in amazement, you probably didn’t read random fact #1.

3) As far as I am concerned, the Running Man is still the coolest dance move ever.

4) I love the sound of horses clip-clopping down the road

5) If I have to get dressed for anything other than lying on the couch watching Lifetime movies on a Sunday, it starts the new week off on a very bad note for me.

6) Nothing makes me happier than making someone else laugh.

7) I have a third nipple on my back. Kind of like Chandler Bing’s “nubbin” on Friends. I don’t know when it got there or what caused it, but it’s a raised piece of flesh that looks like a colorless nipple. And no, it doesn’t turn me on if you touch it.

8) The sound of anyone but me chewing food makes me want to stab myself in the ears with a rusty pair of scissors.

9) I truly believe in love at first sight and happily ever afters.

10) I think boobs are the best thing ever created. I am obsessed with them. And if you have a great pair, and I have had a glass of wine, I will ask to touch them.

11) The sound of a baby laughing is hands down, the best sound in the world. I am convinced that if we could bottle it, it would cure cancer and create world peace.

12) I love my body, my curves and all my flaws, until I have to show it to someone else.

13) I really, really like the “aaahhhhh” feeling after I have picked a really good booger.

14) When I was younger I used to eat said boogers.

15) I also used to bite my own toenails.

16) There is literally NOTHING I would change about my life. The good, the bad and the ugly is what makes my story mine, and I am never ashamed to tell it.

17) I may lie about my weight and my pant size, but never about my age. Because I think I totally rock 37.

18) I wish I could go back to my 18 year old body that I thought was so “fat”. And tell her to shut the fuck up, use cocoa butter on your stretch marks while pregnant, and enjoy wearing a bikini while it lasts.

19) While I would like my 18 year old body back, I would never go back to being 18. I truly believe I have gotten better and wiser with age. Plus I couldn’t legally drink wine at 18. And I like wine. A lot.

20) It makes me cringe to think that “artists” like Lil Wayne and Nicki Minaj are going to be “classic music” to our children when they are adults.

21) I could type partial sentences into Google to see what it suggests for hours without getting bored.

22) I do not have the patience to follow any recipe that calls for me chopping more than two ingredients or has more than 10 steps.

23) I could never be a lesbian because I always envision that a woman’s nether regions taste like day old crab cakes.

24) I want to know who the first woman was that thought it would be “fun” to suck a dick. Then I want to beat her over the head. With a dick.

25) Every piece of women’s clothing should automatically be made with Spanx built in.

26) I love to say vagina. I don’t know why and I don’t care. It just makes me happy.

27) When I was younger, I could make out with a guy for hours. While I still love a good kiss, I have other things to do now that doesn’t involve swallowing someone else’s spit for an hour. Make it good, hard and fast and let’s call it a day.

28) The most romantic thing a guy can do, in my eyes, is hold my hand when I least expect him to.

29) I fight dirty. I’m not proud of it, and I am working on it, but I will work my hardest to make you feel like shit if you piss me off. And then I will apologize later.

30) I constantly make plans that sound really good in the moment, and then often cancel because it involves a shower and the wearing of pants.

31) I will never stop trying to make my tongue touch the tip of my nose.

32) Sometimes I stand in the mirror and make a “butt” with my stomach. It should upset me that I have enough stomach to do this, but honestly it just makes me laugh.

33) Nothing makes my day like a good poop.

34) I am not a lazy person, but I really hate having to shower everyday. I blow dry and straighten my hair and put on makeup just to have to do it all over again the next day? That’s a lot of work.

35) I can count to 20 in French and Spanish.

36) Sky diving and bungee jumping are on my bucket list, but I am afraid to do either, because I am a nervous pee’er and I don’t need to add that to my shame list.

37) When someone yells at me, I cry.

38) When I was heavier, people always told me I looked like Ricki Lake.

39) I am really good at taking a song and making it about something funny. It’s a Weird Al Yankovic talent that I should have capitalized on when I was younger and full of ambition.

40) I love the smell of Sharpie markers, gasoline and crayons. 37 years of sniffing these things might explain a lot about me.

41) Even though I love being a mom, I still think a human being coming out of my hoo-ha is icky.

42) I am horrible about saving money. If I have it, I have a million things I want to spend it on. My kids better either be geniuses and get scholarships, be really good at sports, be really pretty or know how to work a pole. I self medicate with material things and I’m not proud of it.

43) I can sing like the Lollipop kids from the Wizard of Oz.

44) I currently have 30+ tattoos and YES, I plan on getting more. They are my form of self expression and I am proud to show each and every one of them.

45) When I was a kid, we had to go downstairs at night to use the bathroom. At the top of the stairs was a railing with a space behind it that went to the attic. I would always run up the stairs and past that area because I was sure that Freddy Krueger was lying in wait.

46) The first time I got stung by a bee I was 12. It stung me in the ass. And got stuck in my pants.

47) I won our 8th grade talent show wearing a one sleeved unitard while doing flips and dancing to Pretty Poison’s song Catch Me I’m Falling.

48) My favorite “meal” is tomato soup and grilled cheese.

49) I never tried drugs until I smoked my first joint at age 25. And I ate an entire pan of brownies.

50) My blood type is A+. Just incase you ever need me to loan you some.

I feel A) accomplished for being able to come up with 50 random facts about myself, and B) a little insecure about just how random I am.  Either way, this is me.

Who are you?  What are your 50 shades of cray cray?

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Hunger Games

There is a fine line between listening to what your body is telling you, and brainwashing your body into feeling something you want it to feel. As children, we are taught to clean our plates. Don’t be wasteful. After all, there are starving children in Africa. As we get older, we continue the practice. All too often it’s to the point of gluttony and we spend most of our adult life trying to change those habits.

My lesson for the week: it’s ok to feel hungry. You don’t have to indulge every hunger pain with food. Sometimes you may just be thirsty, bored or you want a reason to nibble on that Snickers bar that you shamefully keep hidden behind the bananas in your drawer.

I have always used the “hungry response” excuse to eat. Even now I do it, and I definitely know better.

Me: I’m hungry.

My Body: No you’re not.

Me: No really, I feel the rumblies in my tumbly and only a large caramel macchiato and a chocolate chip cookie will make me feel better.

My Body: Don’t you have banana in your purse?

Me: Maybe……

My Body: Do you plan on running a marathon today?

Me: Um, no.

My Body: Put the cookie down. Back away from the caramel macchiato. Slowly, and no one will get hurt.

Me: But…..

My Body: Exactly, your BUTT will be the one paying for your mid day tryst with carbs and sugar.

Me: But, I’m hungry.

My Body: Eat the fucking banana, asshole.

Sometimes, we have to allow ourselves to be a little uncomfortable. Not every impulse needs an immediate response. Sometimes we have to throw the snickers bar in the garbage, cover it up with ketchup and dog shit, make ourselves a nice cup of tea and wait 30 minutes. If you’re still hungry after your “waiting” period, have some fruit. Have some oatmeal. Have anything but that Snickers bar.

You’ll thank me later. So will your ass. You’re welcome.