Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Just Relax(ative). Shit happens.

Instead of the usual TMI Thursdays, how about a WTF Wednesday to break up your week? You're down with that? Awesome. Let's roll, bitches.

So first and foremost, there have been many bodily changes that I have had to adjust to since gastric bypass. How and when to eat or drink. What foods upset my delicate balance (I know. Ha Ha, me...delicate). What underwear will suck in what is left of my gut while not giving me four buttcheeks. But the one thing I have not been able to get a handle on is my inability should I say this mildly....drop a deuce on a regular basis (total pun!). For those of you who are ebonically challenged...I no longer have the ability to regularly:

-drop the Cosby kids off at the pool or

-make the prairie dog come out of the hole or

- pop a squat or

-leave a sacrifice for the porcelain Gods or

-make a caca

In laymens terms....I can't take a shit when I want to. At least not without the aid of a strong laxative and my husbands coffee. I don't know how many people will admit this out loud, but I have no internal filter so I will freely say that I enjoy a good, strong morning porcelain smackdown. I want to cleanse my colon on a daily basis so I don't have to walk around with my pants unbuttoned looking like a bloated Roseanne Barr.

I eat LOTS of fiber. I eat LOTS of fruit. I drink kind of a lot of water (even if only to flush the alcohol out), and I workout. I rarely indulge and I have done everything short of reaching my arm up elbow deep into my poop shoot to pull the shit out myself. The only thing that stops me is the tattoo next to my asshole that says "EXIT ONLY" in big black letters.

So on a weekly basis, I have to clear my schedule to clear my colon. I have to take a day off from life to suck back a couple of laxatives, find a couple of good magazines, and make sure the toilet seat is warm. As disgusting as that sounds, it feels sooooo good. To free my body of all that toxic buildup and not walk around looking like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day float is glorious and freeing. And I don't apologize for it.

And FYI to those who wish to attempt this vile form of excretive therapy, let me warn you....whether you are linking up to be BFF's with Ex-Lax or Dulcolax, they are all LIARS. If the box says "Gentle Overnight Relief" it basically means that if you take it and expect a solid 8 hours of sleep, you will be rudely awakened within 4-5 hours with cramps, the night sweats and you will prairie dog your laxative taking ass to the bathroom at record speed. You will find yourself projecting out of bed like something out of the Exorcist as you run down the hall in the dark while yanking your pants down around your ankles. Chances are your colon will be empty before you are even fully awake enough to realize what just happened.

My advice: take it in the morning and clear your schedule. Don't do ANYTHING that takes you more than 10 feet from the porcelain throne. Put your phone around your neck because you won't remember to grab it before the mad dash and remember to stick a bookmark in your favorite magazine. Because you will pay tribute more than once. Or twice. And don't wear thongs. Or white underwear. As a matter of fact, just wrap your ass in paper towels and call it a day.

The most important thing I can share with you is this....

After taking a laxative,

Don't trust a fart for 12-24 hours.

I'm just saying.