Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The bitch smells like vagina.

See this face:

She's cute as hell, but she smells like vagina.

No joke. The bitch straight up smells like day old vaj and it's not cute.

No amount of doggy baths or sprays makes her smell any different.

How is she going to get a man smelling like that? As a two legged bitch, I have never been at a bar and had a man walk by and say "Dayum girl, you smell like yesterdays vagina and it's turning me on! Can I get yo' digits?"

You would be the girl that everyone whispered and pointed at in the corner of the bar. And no one would sit on the toilet seat you used in the ladies room for fear that the smell was the result of some STD or unknown vaginal discharge.

I don't want my dog to be the dog all the other bitches talk about. She's way too pretty to be "that dog".

Hopefully getting her spade will mysteriously rid her of her feminine hygiene issue. Otherwise, she better start wearing rainbow colored collars and hoping for that one butch dog that enjoys the pungent aroma of her lady parts.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Warning: Contents under pressure may explode and high five you IN THE FACE.

I realize that by putting my blog out there for all of the world to see, it makes me accountable for the shit that comes out of my mouth.

I also realize not everyone will like what I have to say or how I choose to say it.

To which I say:

Because this is MINE. And I choose to share it with YOU. But, if you don’t like what I have to say, you can make the choice not to read it.

I will not stop swearing. It’s therapeutic for me and it sets the tone for how I am feeling and the way I would like to express it.

If you don’t want your kids to see it, don’t let them read my blog. Have them de-friend me on Facebook. I promise, my day won’t be ruined because I wasn’t alerted by social media about their exploits at open skate with their BFF’s or why their pimple faced boyfriend likes the school skank.

If you are offended by what I write you may either

A) Not read my blog

B) Grow a thicker skin

C) Gain a sense of humor and stop taking life so seriously

D) Fuck off

That last one was a little harsh, but if you were hurt by it feel free to exercise your right to options A, B or C.

I use my blog to vent. About morons, kids, ex-husbands and everyday bullshit that annoys me, amuses me, or gives me pause.

I have verbal diarrhea. And a broken internal filter. So when I blog about shitting my pants, or hating the People of Walmart, take it with a grain of salt, and just fucking laugh.

Life isn’t meant to be taken so seriously. No one makes it out alive anyway.