Thursday, April 15, 2010

Just keeping it real with a new episode of....

Why does my dog feel the need to tea bag everything? He lays his man junk down on my carpet, my couch, my leg and rubs it around like some sort of territorial right of passage. And he doesn’t just do it once in awhile, he does it all the time. This is apparently a male gender universal symbol of manliness and I don’t like it. I don’t go around rubbing my lady business on passing strangers and the arms of my sofa. I don’t stake my claim on the world by plopping down on a couch pillow, rubbing my vag all over it, and then leaving it for some unsuspecting person in need of a pillow for an afternoon nap. The tea bagging must stop. And it must stop now. Or I swear I will start diapering that dog like an untrained monkey.

Why is it that I never have a single thing in my eye until the minute I put on makeup. I could run naked with my eyes held open by toothpicks through a sand mine, and if I wasn’t wearing makeup, I would come out looking like a subject from a Clear Eyes commercial. But the minute I put on eyeshadow, eyeliner and mascara, I have a circus of air particles, lint, and environmental crap glued to my corneas. So I either leave it alone and walk around squinting like I have turrets, or I rub and cry until my makeup is running down my face and I can star in an Alice Cooper video – as Alice Cooper.

If I start running backward, will I lose weight any faster, because running forward seems to do nothing at all. Maybe I need to live in a backwards world in order for it to start moving forward. Of course, this would entail NOT sleeping, NOT brushing my hair, and NOT buying ridiculously expensive shoes that I just have to have without my husband knowing, so maybe that isn’t such a good idea after all. Can you imagine if we lived backward, and you were a really hot chick, with an ass you could bounce a quarter off of, and you walked into some perv who was standing still?? Ouch.

I know this has been discussed by many before, but is it an omen that the first three letters of the word diet are D-I-E? Because realistically, you do actually feel like you might DIE somedays while partaking in this most heinous of activities. Which is sad when you think about it. You feel like you are going to die because you can’t eat 500 calories worth of cheese encrusted Doritos, or fill the fat pockets on your ass with an x-large DQ Oreo Blizzard. I myself have felt like I would rather be poked in the eye with a dull stick on more than occasion because I could not eat something as trivial and stupid as a piece of birthday cake or an entire bag of malted eggs. I think we should change the name from “dieting” to “eating empowered”. It might not always be true, but at least you can put a more positive spin on it.

Lastly, I know you have all been waiting with baited breath to find out how my “shitty day” went, and I am happy to report it was a success! Of course, I still have no feeling in my right foot or my left ass cheek, and my crack is so raw that if I fart I am pretty sure it will start my panties on fire, but nevertheless, it was a success. Instead of being bloated and filled with poo, I have gone from looking like I was 6 months pregnant, to a mere 3 months. It’s all in a days work.

What is your random thought for the day?


  1. I once was wearing so much mascara that when I opened the oven and shut my eyes against the heat , my eyes glued shut. True Story. and that is my randomn thought for today.

    Great Post Lisa. My dog has the same problem as yours too and its like ewwwwwwwwww gross.

  2. That's great. The image will keep me laughing for hours. I wonder if I will have to explain it to the voices in my head?

  3. LOL the first line got me! It took me quite some time to finish the rest of this one because I could not stop laughing!!

  4. Glad you were able to get rid of some unwanted waste and lived to tell about it. Does your dog understand the word neuter? cause that could be useful in curbing his behavior

  5. He is actually scheduled for neutering May 8th. I hope that settles his tea bagging because it's really starting to freak me out!