Thursday, April 22, 2010

Stage 2 of Grief: Anger.

Yesterday was my 5 week checkup and things went off without a hitch. If, by "without a hitch" you mean I was 2 hours late for my doctors appointment, had to fight to be seen that day, and got the cliffs notes version of an appointment. Nevertheless, I've lost 30 pounds, all my bloodwork came back good and I get to move onto soft foods. That means I get to eat my meatless burgers, vegan patties and lean ground beef again, and THAT makes me a very happy girl.

At the same time, it got me thinking back to a blog entry where I talked about the five stages of grief, and I think it might do my mind some good to finish working through them. The first step was denial and isolation. I think that blog entry could have been written without words and you would have gotten the picture. So onto the second stage - Anger.

Definition: The grieving person may be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt, or at the world, for letting it happen. She may be angry with herself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.

I will admit I AM angry, although probably not as much as I have anticipated I might be. I am angry with myself for so many reasons, but I am also old enough to know that those reasons no longer matter. You can’t change the past, but you can plan for the future and that is something I am doing every day. I can’t go back and make myself put down the bag of Doritos, or stop myself from believing that being the “girl with a pretty face” was enough. I can’t go back and predict my depression and the toll it would take on so many years of my life. I can’t go back and stop myself from losing hope and giving up. I can only say that what I am doing today will make a positive impact on tomorrow. I will wipe my eyes, stand firmly on my own two feet, own up to my mistakes and only allow myself to be angry if I allow myself to be defeated.

My horoscope for the day read: You may be facing a situation where you have to deal with some unknowns today, Capricorn. It's possible that you may be worried, but don't let that worry convince you that hope is futile. Keep your mind on your purpose for taking that risky step, because your advantage today lies in the willingness to face the unknown, and to trust in the value of experience. Fear of the future in one of the most paralyzing and failure generating afflictions of modern times. Don't let it bring you down today; it just might stick.

I couldn’t have said it better myself. I am going to take all the years of pent up anger and not feeling like I was good enough, and reward myself, rather than punish myself, for finally doing something about it. Rather than take my anger and disappointment out on myself, I will take it out on a treadmill. I will remind myself I am worth more than just my outer shell.

However, if my outer shell turns out to be the smokin’ hot body of a 25 year, well I won’t shed any tears over that either.

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