Friday, April 9, 2010

To Eat or Not To Eat....So NOT a Question

This surgery and non-eating business is screwing with my fat girl psyche and I think she is getting pissed off. Today I tried to up my calorie intake because I was hoping to boost my weight loss. Sounds like wonky math, right? I know. This is how my world has been turned upside down.

Increasing caloric intake a month ago would have resulted in my back having more rolls than an Italian bakery. Increasing it now results in a lower number on scale. Me so confused. I jumped for joy when I saw that I had taken in 955 calories the other day. I burned 300 off on the treadmill but this was the most food I have eaten since surgery.

It was actually hard work trying to manage eating all day long. How is that possible? I used to be able to eat any time of the day or night without provocation. I could down a bag of Pepperidge Farms Macadamia Nut and Chocolate Chunk cookies like it was the last meal I would ever eat. And follow it with a handful of tiny candy bars. Washed down with a diet soda. Because that totally cancels out all the other calories I just ate.

But today I was totally uninterested in eating and I had to force myself to continue to do so until until that stupid calorie counter went up. This wasn’t an easy feat when the list of things you can eat are about as long as my pinky nail. This was the first time since surgery that I have eaten over 700 calories and I feel kind of guilty for doing it. So much so that I worked out twice as long on the treadmill which means I burned more calories and kind of defeated my original goal. Plus I wanted to vomit. And I hate to say it, but I kind of hated food and the way it felt sitting like a rock in my undersized belly. I felt loaded down and gross and it curbed any craving I have had lately for chips or cookies.

And to add insult to injury, I can’t sleep. It’s like I have betrayed my body with exercise and eating better and as its revenge it refuses to shut down and let me fall into a peaceful slumber. Instead my mind works on double overload, my legs twitch and some nights, I have this odd need to get out of bed and just dance Ellen Degeneres style around the room. It’s like I’m not even in control of my body anymore.

And without the self deprecating feeling of eating like a sumo wrestler and getting fatter, I don’t feel as funny anymore. There is nothing funny about getting skinny and eating like a prison inmate. The only thing funny is watching me walk the treadmill after about 30 minutes with sweat dripping down my face and the beginning of a limp coming on. And I would totally YouTube it for your entertainment, but I’m too vain to let you see me with frizzy hair, last nights pajama pants and a face full of day old makeup that makes me look like Gene Simmons.


  1. TFN: You know what is funny? I have clicked on your profile before and thought to myself, oh I like this concept, this should be good. And then before I could read anything, I got interrupted, left the room, and never made it back. I'm so sorry I did that, because you are hilarious. And good on you for the 25 pounds. My favorite line: "Kids are Stupid". I know. That probably says something about me. Oh well. When you are right, you are right.

  2. Trust me Lisa, you're still funny. I wouldnt be here if you weren't cos we're all stocked up on eveything else at my place.

  3. Chicken: I am SO glad you made your way back, and I am flattered you find me to be hilarious, since I have spit water out of my nose on more than one occassion reading your blog!

    QIMP: I'm glad to know my warped sense of funny is still appealing to other people. Because of this encouragement, I have written two blogs today, and I prmomise they won't disappoint!