Monday, April 26, 2010

So, I just want to start out by saying that I did not blog for the weekend because I am pretty sure I broke my vagina, and I had to get a pedicure. One really has nothing to do with the other but I didn’t think a broken vagina would be enough to get you to accept my apology. I’m not sure if I pulled a labia muscle or if I hyperextended my clitoris, but I swear to the heavens, my lady space is badly injured. The worst part is, I have no idea how I did it. It felt like it broke while doing situps the other day, but who breaks their vag doing situps? This girl right here apparently!

I took a walk around the park thinking I could somehow walk off a broken vagina, but that only made it worse. It hurts to sneeze, or pee, or laugh and I was pretty sure the only thing that could make it better would be a pedicure. Because going from having winter Flintstone feet to beautiful summer feet covered in pink sparkly nail polish would surely be the cure all for a wounded vagina. Let me tell you, my feet look awesome but the lady space is still revolting against me.

What exactly does one do for a problem of this magnitude? I can’t imagine the humility behind going to the gynecologist to tell her somehow I broke my crotch without the aid of falling off of mens bike or being kicked in my private space while fighting with ninjas.

How did you break your vagina Mrs. Sinclair?

Well, you see, this is how it is. I was a Fatty McFatAss, and I had surgery to become less fat ass, and so I started exercising…

Ah, I see.

No wait, that isn’t it though. I was exercising and all of the sudden it felt as though someone kicked me in the lady lips and stabbed me in the clit.


I can clearly see you don’t believe me. Is there anything you can do?

For a broken vagina?

No, for the crab grass growing in my side yard. YES, for my broken vagina.

I would suggest rest, and massage of the wounded area by a hot latino man with smoldering eyes and abs you could grate cheese on. And shoes. Lots of new shoes. With matching purses. And a manicure. Manicures totally cure broken vaginas.

Ok, ok, so this is the conversation I would like to take place. Wouldn’t the world be perfect if the cure for broken vaginas was shopping and manis??

So, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. My vagina was broken and I couldn’t blog and the only thing that made it better was a pedicure and a Saturday afternoon nap. Deal with it.


  1. there is a hideous machine at my gym that looks like the same action as situps but it makes me feel like my uterus is about to prolapse so obviously i stay away from it, sounds very similar to your broke vag, so try something else to situps, laydowns

  2. I tried the laydowns once. For like 8 hours. And it was at night. And it did nothing for my abs. But it definitely did NOT break my vagina. We may be onto something here!