Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Downward Facing Doggone Tired
I have been a lazy whore lately when it comes to working out. I don’t know if I am just burned out, if it’s a phase or if my body is on strike because I’m not eating enough. I can’t even force myself to get on the treadmill lately. The thing is, I look at myself in the mirror and I like the changes that are starting to take place and this should be the motivation I need but then I lie down and put on Jerseylicious and I forget all about hardening my ass and flattening my abs. I blame it on the fact that my vagina may or may not still be broken. And, my abs still hurt from when I worked out on Friday if that is any indication for just how out of shape I really am.
I did make myself walk while my son was at baseball practice last night, but I didn’t enjoy it as much as I have lately. It was forced and unenjoyable and not even the Black Eyed Peas could make me say “Imma Be” skinny because all I wanted to be was napping. I need to refocus my energy and find something new that will get me off this couch and get me moving again. Maybe I should order a stripper pole and do one of those videos filled with half naked women who swing their vaginas around like a tether ball and make hanging upside down using only your toes look easy peasy. If I had a little less shame I would absolutely put on a pair of boy shorts with glittery words like “Fancy” or “Sweet” on the ass, along with a tiny tank with a diamond studded Playboy Bunny on it and swing on that thing like a $2 hooker and then post it on YouTube so I could become rich. Then I would just get fat sucked out of my ass, have my jaw wired shut, and do colon cleanses to get skinny so I wouldn’t have to feel bad everytime I have a bad day and don’t workout.
Apparently all this time alone with my thoughts and DVR’d TV shows really makes my thinking a tad bit extreme. I mean, really, there is no way I would get my jaw wired shut. I like talking to the voices in my head way too much. I miss the days when I could eat Twix bars and hot chocolate for breakfast and an entire bag of Combos for lunch and never gain a pound. It’s absolutely a cruel joke that our metabolisms are faster than a procreating jack rabbit when we are in our teens, but slow down like a geriatric man with no hands in a wheel chair the minute we enter into adulthood. Don’t get me started on the dimples that show in places other than our faces the very minute we enter our thirties.
So, now here I am 35, going through menopause, and battling my way back to a healthy weight with no enthusiasm for exercise at all. It’s not a combination that works to my advantage. Today, I think I will try yoga. Maybe a little downward facing dog will brighten my spirits and put me back in the workout mood. Besides, it sounds a little dirty and I like that too.