Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Downward Facing Doggone Tired

I have been a lazy whore lately when it comes to working out. I don’t know if I am just burned out, if it’s a phase or if my body is on strike because I’m not eating enough. I can’t even force myself to get on the treadmill lately. The thing is, I look at myself in the mirror and I like the changes that are starting to take place and this should be the motivation I need but then I lie down and put on Jerseylicious and I forget all about hardening my ass and flattening my abs. I blame it on the fact that my vagina may or may not still be broken. And, my abs still hurt from when I worked out on Friday if that is any indication for just how out of shape I really am.

I did make myself walk while my son was at baseball practice last night, but I didn’t enjoy it as much as I have lately. It was forced and unenjoyable and not even the Black Eyed Peas could make me say “Imma Be” skinny because all I wanted to be was napping. I need to refocus my energy and find something new that will get me off this couch and get me moving again. Maybe I should order a stripper pole and do one of those videos filled with half naked women who swing their vaginas around like a tether ball and make hanging upside down using only your toes look easy peasy. If I had a little less shame I would absolutely put on a pair of boy shorts with glittery words like “Fancy” or “Sweet” on the ass, along with a tiny tank with a diamond studded Playboy Bunny on it and swing on that thing like a $2 hooker and then post it on YouTube so I could become rich. Then I would just get fat sucked out of my ass, have my jaw wired shut, and do colon cleanses to get skinny so I wouldn’t have to feel bad everytime I have a bad day and don’t workout.

Apparently all this time alone with my thoughts and DVR’d TV shows really makes my thinking a tad bit extreme. I mean, really, there is no way I would get my jaw wired shut. I like talking to the voices in my head way too much. I miss the days when I could eat Twix bars and hot chocolate for breakfast and an entire bag of Combos for lunch and never gain a pound. It’s absolutely a cruel joke that our metabolisms are faster than a procreating jack rabbit when we are in our teens, but slow down like a geriatric man with no hands in a wheel chair the minute we enter into adulthood. Don’t get me started on the dimples that show in places other than our faces the very minute we enter our thirties.

So, now here I am 35, going through menopause, and battling my way back to a healthy weight with no enthusiasm for exercise at all. It’s not a combination that works to my advantage. Today, I think I will try yoga. Maybe a little downward facing dog will brighten my spirits and put me back in the workout mood. Besides, it sounds a little dirty and I like that too.


  1. Sometimes the answer really is a nap and not working out, I've found that after long stretches of working out all the time a little lazy down time is good and occasionally I will lose a few extra pounds because of it. Also I have the complete set of Carmen Electra's Strip to be Fit and you are welcome to borrow it, pole not included!

  2. Hi Lisa,

    I'm really sorry your vagina is busted and I bet Mr. Ninja is too.

    Frankly I dont trust anyone who ALWAYS likes to excersise, so you've just proved you're trustworthy with this post.

    But tomorrow I'd like a post that includes things you randomly thought on Thursday while you were on the treadmill and hopefully none of them will include nasty thoughts about me and how I peer presured you into tread-milling.

    But if your vaj is really broken maybe you should get someone to have a look at it first before you exert yourself, because frankly the last thing you want is for it to drop out or something. I read once on google that can happen....and it sounds serious.

  3. Does laughter count as exercise because I have been laughing over these comments for about an hour. Corrie, I will make you a deal. When I come to VT next month, I will borrow those DVD's if you demonstrate them for me!

    QIMP - seriously, still laughing. I am pretty sure my vagina is healed but the fear of breaking it again is frightful. I thought after this surgery I would LOVE exercise all day, every day, but guess what? NOT SO MUCH! I am however, taking this time to cultivate a new Random Thoughts Thursday blog so I hope it doesn't disappoint. BTW, having your vagina fall out must be horrifying, but if it helps me to drop a few pounds, I might be willing to tempt fate.

  4. Ninja, get your butt in gear, soldier. You can do it. Why? Because You are Crazier than Martin Strel, that's why. You are a crazy Ninja downward dog doer and other crazy stuff like that. Tired? What the hell is that? Not in your vocabulary.

    There. Hope that helped. Cause I can keep going.

  5. Thanks for the pep talk Chicken! I got off my ass and walked 2.5 miles outside today for fear of being pecked to death! LOL