Thursday, April 1, 2010
Random Thoughts Thursday
Why do my dogs lick each others eyeballs? Is this where their sex glands are located? Is it some perverted form of doggy foreplay? I don’t know, but it creeps me out because everytime I look over and see one of them licking the eyeball of the other, I picture my own eyeball being licked, and that does not turn me on. If Tim every licked my eyeball in some weird form of ancient Chinese foreplay, I would stick a pen in his eye. And rotate it.
If you have a 10 year old son who still hasn’t mastered the art of putting the toilet seat up, flushing when he is done, and washing his hands, is that considered a handicap? And if so, can I get one of those nifty blue placards to hang in the window of my van? I mean really, why is this a lesson I have to teach more than a dozen times? I do not appreciate the smell of pungent first pee of the morning urine stewing in my pot when I go to brush my teeth. It is not pleasing to my nose and it pretty much screws with the rest of my day.
Can you sue a flat chested woman for false advertising if she is a Victoria-Secret-super-push-up-bra-accompanied-by-chicken-cutlets-under-the-boobs wearing woman that you take home and realize upon nakedness has the chest of a 12 year old boy? I think you should be able to. I mean, I don’t go out wearing a super slimming Spanx girdle that makes me look like I’m a size 8, only to get me home and have me explode onto your mattress like day old yeast. It’s only fair.
How do we live in a place called “the land of the free” when we have the highest rate of incarceration than anywhere else in the world? Should we re-label it “land of the free as long as you don’t rape, murder, maim, rip off or piss off anyone”?
Transvestites. Why is it ok for you to dress up in an obscene amount of makeup and wear hot pink wigs and sparkly dresses and yet when I do it, people assume I need mental assistance? You dressed up in drag = Fabulosity. Me dressed up in drag = the crazy cat lady. It’s just not fair. You get to belt out Liza Minelli and get paid for it. I dress up like that and they offer me money for something completely different.
Last and most important random thought for the day: Why, oh why, have they not made my life a reality show? We will sit and watch trailer trash 16 year old girls and their baby daddy drama, or 20 something’s with too much money from mommy and daddy who spend a half hour shopping and saying “like” and “totally”, but we won’t watch a 35 year old mom of two whose ex-husband left her to be with her cousin, and had a baby? My life is reality. Follow me around in my sweats as I spend my days making meals I don’t want to eat, deal with an ADHD son with no common sense, an 11 year Diva who thinks she is 25, a husband who stares at me like a three headed goat when I yell, and enough crazy relatives and friends to fill an episode of Hee Haw. That’s reality.
What's your random thought for the day?