From the mind of...

My kids being home on Spring break is cock blocking my writing like a bad yeast infection on a first date. Instead of being overloaded with funny thoughts and insights into my wackadoo life, they are flooded with the repitition of very mom-like things such as "because I'm the mom and I said so" and "if I have to tell you one more time to stop that". My already very ADD mind is on system shut down and restarting it will take more than a battery jump or a slap upside the head. I just want a margerita (strawberry please), a comfy lawn chair and a cool summer breeze on my face. Then I need a comfy bed and a spooning partner...and a door strong enough to shut out the voices in my head. Is that too much to ask?

My morning routine is FUBAR (f**ked up beyond all recognition) because for some odd reason, we are all sleeping in till like 8:30 or 9:00 o'clock, which is normally unheard of in my house. I remember years past when I was so psyched that it was going to be a school break. I would dream of sleeping in and awakening to the birds chirping, and the sunshine on my face, and I would get up and lazily have coffee and toast while the kids slept in till noon. Well, that dream sucks. Getting up an hour or two later than I am used to throws off my whole day. Sleeping in is for suckers and people without ambition as far as I am concerned now. I feel like my morning is wasted, between taking all of eternity to drink my protein shake, writing my blog entry, checking out how everyone is doing on Facebook and then mustering up enough energy to tackle the dreaded treadmill. Before I know it, it's noon and I have to get my ass moving on cleaning the house and tackling any errands I have for the day. I glance at the clock again, and it's dinner time. WTF? How did an hour or so throw off my entire day. I blame it on the kids. And Tim. Because they are a convenient excuse and it's easier than listening to the voice in my head that says "then just get up earlier dumb ass".

This break in my daily cycle has to be the reason that my body revolted against me last night when I tried to eat my chicken and fat free refried dinner again for what seemed like the 450th time this month. I was sitting peacefully, eating teaspoons of pureed chicken and pathetically watching Grey's Anatomy re-runs on TV when all of the sudden.......it happened. I slowly felt the chicken making a repeat appearance in my throat and then there it was. In the toilet. Still in the chunks I had swallowed. Laughing and pointing at me like some sort of cruel joke. Which sucks because tuna and chicken are basically the only meat I can eat right now, and with the chicken acting like a jealous ex-boyfriend, I am having a hard time remembering why I ever liked it in the first place. Which takes me back to shakes, soups and jello. Yum.

Oh, and as a side note, with the kids being home, my life has not only become one repeat episode of Clean House, but I am apparently stuck in jelly bean hell. Everywhere I go it's like a mini jellybean Easter egg hunt. I find them everywhere. Yesterday I found one behind the damned toilet. Who eats jellybeans in the bathroom? Does it take so long to take a piss that you need a sugar boost at 3pm? Kids are stupid. I know that sounds mean, but really take a minute to think about all the stupid things your kids do and then try to disagree with me. It's not to say I don't love them more than life itself. It's just that they are stupid.

And on that note, I am out of here. Because half my morning is gone, along with half of my sanity, and I need to try to preserve both before you catch me on the 11 o'clock news.