Enjoy the Peep Show

Today is Easter, and this is usually a joyous day for me, not so much because of the religious implications, but because this is where my true ninja skillz come into play as I partake in the stealing of my kids chocolates and sweets. I revel in the sugary, marshmellowy goodness of a headless Peep as I make its beheaded body dance across my leg just before I inhale it. I long for the chocolately smooth goodness of a Reese’s peanut butter egg or the succulent sweetness of a handful of red jelly beans.

Instead I am reduced to eating a single piece of geriatric chocolate to fill the urge a couple of times a week. I am hooked on Russell Stover’s sugar free mint patties. I want to sit here and eat them like it’s my full time job, and I want to eat so many, so fast that I get a promotion for it.

The baskets sit on the table and the stupid little bunny rabbit faces on the front of the baskets leer at me, almost saying “neener, neener, neener, you can’t have this you stupid, fat, surgery having moron” and I want to take their cute, fuzzy little ears, and rip them off and shove them down the garbage disposal. What can I say? I’m in the holiday spirit.

I am constantly being reminded of how drastically my life is changing. With every passing birthday, holiday, special event and with the roaming smells of people BBQ’ing outside, I get a little more accustomed to dealing with the fact that things are just different now, and maybe this change isn’t such a bad thing. I am resigning myself to the idea that I have to find new ways to fill the voids in my life than with candy and food and alcohol. I’m really starting to like walking, I find myself rarely turning on the TV anymore so I can read or write, and my body feels better than it has in 10 years.

I feel young again. I don’t feel burdened by cancer and depression and constant weight gain. I don’t self loathe anymore or spend days on the couch waiting for the world to change and bend to my will. Instead I use the frustration and turn it into positive energy and I get my fat ass off the couch and do something other than whine about things I can no longer change. Life is too short to waste it wishing on shooting stars or planning it according to online horoscopes. I will determine my own fate, make my own destiny and plot my own journey.

I take inventory of my life up till now and I am shocked by what a sweets whore I had become. I was ruled and controlled by late night binges on tiny, lovely Butterfingers and pints of chocolately ice cream. I was dancing the tango with macadamia/chocolate chip cookies and falling into bed with bags of miniature candy bars. It was dirty and degrading, and although I loved the way it made me feel at the time, now I realize our rendezvous were tainted with cellulite and love handles. It makes me feel a little used and I am a jilted lover, but as they say, time heals all wounds. And stretch marks.

And if I can’t partake in chocolate love making or sugary orgasms anymore, then it is the price I will just have to pay in order to fit into smaller jeans that will make my husband sing “Oooohh baby I love your ways, everyday”.

Happy Easter Everybunny! Hope all my "Peeps" have a Hip Hoppity kind of day :)