Friday, April 16, 2010

I am the Biggest Loser

I have a very non-lesbian like love/hate relationship with Jillian Michaels. First off, her workouts are valid, and do what they say, but they should come with a warning label that says “Warning: may cause severe asthma even in those without previous medical history, cussing like a sailor and temporary loss of bodily functions!”. Yeah, it’s that severe. I called her names I only reserve for those I truly hate. Things like stupid f**king crack whore, and masochistic carpet muncher, and my all time favorite, scum sucking douchebag tramp with a penis and stubby man hands!! And when I am done, and gain consciousness, and can stand up again, I feel relieved that it is over, and oddly accomplished. I equate the swearing and heavy breathing to a genius core workout.

I have lots of friends who do one of Jillians many torture workouts, and while we all agree that she does indeed, WORK YOU OUT, we all hate her just the same. I am thinking of forming a support group on Facebook. If I can still raise my arms and move my fingers when I am done with my workout. I use things and feel things I didn’t know were anatomically part of MY body. Things move and twitch and burn and flex, but everytime my ass jiggles when I do a horrendous round of jumping jacks, I remember why I continue to do it.

Despite this hatred for all things Michaels, I have to admit that while my body is so far from perfect that it’s a crime, at the same time I feel better than I have since I was in my early 20’s. I feel healthier and more mobile. I can do full sit ups from flat on the floor to lifting myself to a 90 degree angle without needing someone behind me to give me a boost. I can bend over and tie my shoes without having to hold my breath. I can assume basic (VERY basic!) yoga moves without needing the support of a chair or the front of my entertainment center. I can walk for miles now, rather than feet, and not feel like I need a medic alert button incase I go into cardiac arrest, or fall and can’t get up.

It makes me appreciate all the things I was missing, and makes me want to work even harder to find all the other things I never knew I would be able to do. Jillian might be a super crazy, wackadoo exercise fanatic with a hard on for making people regret ever gorging on double cheeseburgers and large orders of fries, but she is getting me to where I need to be so I will continue to let her push me through the pain, because she really is every bit as good as she says she is. Well that, and the fact that she scares the bejesus out of me and could totally kick my ass.

1 comment:

  1. Well, as long as you are at peace with her. I think she looks mean. Mean and mouthy. I'd rather do Paula Dean's workout. ha ha. Good for you, though. Keep it up.