Thursday, March 25, 2010

You Drive me Crazy (whoo whoo)

Let me just say, as much as I miss living in the city and being close to stores and my family, I do NOT miss the aggressively driving MORONS on the road. And I have a special burr in my ass today over a very specific driver that brings out the road rage in me like no other. I am talking about the bleached blonde soccer moms in their Lexus and BMW SUV’s who think they own the road. Let me break it down for you.

These Starbucks-venti-non-fat-double-foam-triple-shot-caramel-macchiato drinking, cell phone talking, Juicy pants wearing, oh-so-2008 UGG boot wearing, soccer moms drive with the intelligence of a cracked out monkey in a shit factory. They pay attention to nothing and no one around them and act like our measly American cars are not worthy of being on the road they drive on.

The swerve from lane to lane, don’t realize their mirrors are for anything other than applying lip gloss, and generally assume that we all got the memo that there is a sale at Christopher & Banks or Black & White that they MUST get to, and we should all put our plans on hold until they get to mall, take up two parking spaces, and walk through the stores with their oversized Gucci knock-off sunglasses still on as if they are avoiding the paparazzi.

Most of these women are stay at home moms, with school age children, who spend their days getting mani/pedi’s, have housekeepers, make morning trips to the gym just so they can show off their new Yoga pants, walk the treadmill for 10 minutes and walk out with a protein shake. Not to mention they show up to the gym with fully coiffed hair and a full face of makeup with no intention of breaking a sweat. It’s the N.Y version of the Desperate Housewife. And she pisses me off.

Because generally, when I am on the road, I am a pretty gracious driver. I do the speed limit, I stop fully at stop signs and wave people through if there is any conflict as to who should go, I obey cross walk laws, and when I am on the thruway with a destination in mind, it is with the understanding that all the other drivers on the road have a destination as well and we all want to get there in one piece and not get cut off by some high maintenance house whore on her way to get her eyebrows waxed.

So, SUV driving mom of two with a bad root job and an attitude, let me give you fair warning. When you meet me, I may seem like I am a pleasant person with a sparkly pink aura, but if you cut me off on the I-390 one more time, I swear on everything holy, I will sneak into your bedroom while you sleep, steal all your Juicy Couture, cut up your credit cards, cover your UGG’s in dog shit, and fire your housekeeper. Don’t make me go all inner-city ghetto on your suburban ass.

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