Sunday, March 7, 2010

If Buttered Banana love is wrong, I don't want to be right. Oh wait, yes I do!

I realize you would never know it to look at me but I have severe food and texture issues. I do not like fish or seafood of any kind. I can’t eat cottage cheese no matter how much crap I add to it, because I cannot get past the fact that it looks like vomit and is essentially curdled milk. I always thought artichokes looked like slimy eyeballs so I never tried spinach and artichoke dip until recently (and we immediately fell in love). I never would have dreamed of someone making buttered bananas covered with Nutella and me falling in love with them, yet that is going to be my last cheater meal before surgery. Maybe this isn’t such a bad thing because it could have resulted in me going into surgery much bigger than I am now, but I think I will miss them most because I didn’t get real quality time with them. We never got any real time to bond and share in the joys of loose flowing shirts and elastic waisted cotton pants. Since I will never be able to eat these things again, I wouldn’t mind coming back as one of them in another life (except the cottage cheese of course).

I find myself obsessing just as equally over the foods I won’t be able to eat as I do about the foods I am going to have to learn to love for the rest of my life. I keep trying to repeat a qoute made by Kate Moss that says “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” but that bitch has obviously never tried a buttered banana/Nutella crepe washed down with a mimosa or two. I look at emaciated people like her and my inner fat girl wants to beat the crap out of her outer skinny girl. I’m just sayin’.

Having this surgery is like looking at a bad marriage and knowing that it is coming to an end, but feeling sad just as much as you feel relieved for it to be over. I will be signing over all parental rights of my plus size jeans and oversized shirts to my ex-fat girl self. I relinquish all visitation to Sunday afternoons spent with bavarian cream donuts and sugary, creamy coffee. We can, however, take 50/50 ownership over my body. I will keep the 50% that will be the thinner me and she can have the 50% of the fatter me. I think it sounds like a fair trade.

Yes, I will miss you buttered bananas, Nutella, spinach artichoke dips and of course, BREAD, but I feel it’s best we don’t see each other anymore. It isn’t you, it’s me. Or something like that.


  1. I too eat when I'm emotional, but unlike you, I eat when I'm happy, and starve when sad. So the problem is....when I am in a happy relationship, I inevitably get fat and when I get dumped for being fat, I miraculously get skinny(er). But the point of this comment my number one happy food is Nutella!!! Oh God, do I love that stuff. I literally eat the whole jar, (the bigger the better) in one day, sitting and I haven't found very many people, especially American's who've even heard of Nutella, much less actually eat it. One of my favourite things to do is get a pint of vanilla Hagen Das (sic?) ice cream, microwave the Nutella for about a minute until it's pourable and then soak the entire pint of ice cream in it. Oh God, what perfection! The warmth of the Nutella makes the ice cream melt, ever so slightly, and the cold of the ice cream cools the Nutella, so that you don't burn your mouth. They also have crepe stands here, where you can get a Nutella and banana crepes that melt into each other; it’s so delicious, it's sad. The other big favourite thing is getting a container of large strawberries... again heating up the Nutella and then dipping the strawberries in it. Mmmm...perfect combination of sweet and tart, warm and cold, gooey and chewy.

    I have come up with many innovative ways of eating Nutella over the years. I make Nutella milk, preferably drunk warm; put it on toast, bagels, English muffins, croissants and crackers, use it as frosting on cupcakes and filling for cakes. Spooning it into yogurt. Pouring over granola. Using it as fondue for fruit dipping. I'm sure there's more stuff that I'm forgetting, but now I've got to go and get my Nutella....

  2. My best friend introduced to Nutella (hence, one of the reasons she is my BEST friend!) and I could see it being the path to self destruction were it not for this surgery. It is a delisciousness in and of itself and if I had more time I would try each and every one of the suggestions you made for its use!

  3. well...are you not going to be able to eat any of this stuff after the surgery? i dont know much about GBS, but i thought you'd still be able to eat normal food, just much less of it. enlighten me please?

  4. Over time people do gain the ability to eat regular food again, hopefully in smaller portions. If you overeat or indulge in sugary food, you can get something called dumping syndrome which, I have heard, is equated to childbirth. Also, if you continue to overeat, your stomach will eventually begin to expand and you can gain back all the weight. It is my personal choice to not eat these foods again to avoid this failure. Food is my drug, and I just think I would be far more successful if I chose to abstain. After all, I have had a love affair with food for over 15 years now and I think this relationship has run its course.