Thursday, March 4, 2010

I do not have fat person ADD….hey look, a cookie!

I keep trying to define who I am. Who am I aside from a wife, a mother, a friend and a daughter? What do I really want? I feel like making this decision to have weight loss surgery is giving me a clean slate. It is giving me a chance to start over and become something more. What can I contribute to the world? Is there something special about me that I am missing? What journey should I embark upon when I can no longer obsess over this surgery and my fat-ness? Everytime I think I have an answer to even one of these questions I am distracted with possible answers to another question.

For instance, as I type this, deep in thought and contimplation, an Oreo cookie commercial came on where the dad is trying to log onto Facebook to form some group that is “awesomer” than his 12 year old sons, and I stopped typing to watch it. Immediately I thought, “I haven’t had an Oreo in forever. Maybe I should have one before it’s too late.”. See, fat girls ADD. And this is why questions like “What will I be when I grow up?” are replaced with “Should I get dressed and go to the store for Oreos?”. The surgery has only made my food ADD worse because I keep thinking of all the things I may never be able to eat again. Let’s face it, whether you buy into the schtick that obesity is a disease, food to a fat person is nonetheless a lethal drug. No amount of reasoning or weight loss shows will ever fully deflate the urge to splurge. No threats of death or diabetes is enough to make us put down the Hershey’s bar and get on the treadmill. And although I feel the fear and I try really hard to do all the right things, I know that if it weren’t for this surgery, I would inevitably stay just the way I am. And so, with that said, while people think that eventually I will be able to eat sweeties and treaties again, the cold, hard truth is that I will have to abstain like a drunk needs to avoid the drink. Food is my drug, and I have to learn how to make it the thing that simply sustains me. Daily caloric intake for me will be the equivalent of a crack head taking methadone to curb the craving for something far worse. It’s a viscious cycle and it’s like ending a 35 year relationship with someone you loved more than anyone in the world.

Freeing myself from this addiction gives me the opportunity to open myself up to greater things that I could have been all along, had food not taken over every ounce of depression and insecurity in my life. It gives me a chance to answer the questions with honesty and without distraction. Some people think this surgery is the cowards way out, but I say I would only be a coward if I didn’t do it and allow myself to become something far more valuable than I have ever allowed myself to be.

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