Monday, March 22, 2010

Everybody Poops (or at least the ones that eat solid food)

I vowed to share the trials and tribulations of this journey in its entirety and with the utmost honesty so bare with me on this embarrassing little field trip.

Picture this….it is 5 days post surgery and I have been devoid of the ability to perform a regulatory function in my life. At the risk of offending anyone, I haven’t “dropped the Cosby kids off at the pool” since the day before surgery and it began to worry me. First I thought, surely it can’t be good to be harboring 5 days worth of poop in your intestines. Second, I wondered how much extra weight I was hauling around in my bloated, extended poop filled belly. Out of pure panic (and a little vanity), I decided to take an Ex-Lax. And it worked. Oh, how it worked.

When I finally took my spot on the pot with a People magazine and a fresh roll of Scott toilet paper, I was ready for some marathon poopin’. I was willing to let my feet go numb, sweat and cry, and push till a staple popped out. When I was barely conscious, and sure I had gotten it all out it was time for the clean up. Therein lied my WTF moment for the day. Don’t you hate when you push and squeeze and sweat and work only to have an entire TURD left in your ass?? And you know what I am talking about. It’s the one that takes an entire roll of Scott 1-Ply 1000 sq ft. roll of TP to clean out. The toilet is exhausted and refusing to flush, you’re getting dizzy from the fumes, and you are pretty sure that one more wipe will ignite your ass crack on fire. Don’t pretend it hasn’t happened to you.

Nevertheless, the deed was done. And I was exhausted. And in need of a pain pill and a nap. Would it be sufficed to say that I was pooped out??? Or that it was a really crappy experience? This gives the phrase “I’m the shit” a whole new meaning. Ok, I’m done.


  1. Pure awesomeness. I look forward to reading your posts everyday.

  2. LOL this was FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!!!! hahahaha

  3. You're constipated because of the pain pills and you will be as long as you use them.