Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Kiss my fat ass! (Goodbye that is!)

I used to live in an emotional house of insanity and it was an insanity of my own creation, surrounded by vices and regrets. There have more days than I can remember when I felt completely out of control when it came to my mind, my body and my emotions. I secluded myself from a painful reality and often times, I felt very alone. I was getting older and fatter and unhappier and didn’t feel like I had the ability or the courage to change it. Many nights I went to bed hoping to fall into an unending and blissful sleep.

Then one day, I woke up and realized if I wanted my life to change, I would have to be the one to change it. I made a list of things I wanted to remember that would keep me positive so I could make better decisions. I remembered that the fact that I hadn’t given up or taken the eternal dirt nap means I am still here and able to change my course in life. The fact that I get to wake up everyday to watch my beautiful children grow and flourish meant that I should be grateful and remember that there are those who don’t have that opportunity. I have a home to keep me warm, people who love me, children who look up to me and a safe haven in the arms of a man who loves me unconditionally.

So, these are a list of some of the things I want to remember as I enter the hospital:

~ I realize that life is a school and I am here to learn. Problems are simply a part of the curriculum that will appear and fade away; the lessons I learn will last a lifetime.

~Life isn’t always fair, but it’s always good.

~Make peace with my past so it won’t affect my future.

~No one is in charge of my happiness but me!

~However good or bad a situation is, it will get better if you let it.

~Forgive everyone for everything because tomorrows are never promised.

~Remember I am too blessed to be so stressed.

~I vow to start this new chapter of my life as if it’s a clean slate. I will tell those I love how much they mean to me and I will be grateful for the goals I have achieved in the last six months.

For the first time in a long time, I’m not afraid. I made the scary decisions, took previously unwalked steps, and now I am on my way to something (hopefully) better. With the whisperings of a thousand “I love you”s” in my ear and the shoulder of the people I love to lean on, here is where the real journey begins.

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