Saturday, March 27, 2010

Who da man?? I da MAN!! (Well, (wo)man, but still!)

Every morning as I pass the treadmill with my tablespoon of egg white and sad little cup of yogurt, I grimace at the treadmill. I watch the clock intently knowing that soon, very soon, I am going to have to get on that thing and find new and sparkly ways to pass the time spent with that plastic monstrosity. The treadmill is the fat persons version of a dope dealer. You walk up to it carefully, cautiously, and look around to make sure no one is watching as you trepidaciously step onto its rubber mat and reluctantly push START. Your legs start to move and before you know it, you’re smoking a joint…ahem, walking on the treadmill. The first few times, you feel like it’s not a big deal. You could start or stop this at anytime, but then….then… find the program button. Little preset workouts designed to challenge you and kick your ass, and before you know it, you’re on the machine. And you like it. And you don’t care who sees you doing it. There is no turning back.

Throughout the years, I have not been able to master the treadmill. I had never tried a “program” or inclined anything past the “oh shit I’m walking parallel to the wall” phase, but today my friends, I ventured. And it was joyous.

My previous attempts usually involved walking at ground level, no faster than 2.5mph on a good day. Usually about 20 minutes was my ADD max, sometimes 30 if it caught me on a good song or two while listening to the radio. Today however, I decided to try that sneaky little button full of inclines and declines, speed increases and decreases, and for a moment…i. thought. i. would. DIE. But I didn’t. At 3.0mph on a 5.0 incline, my legs started to feel a little shaky, I was sweating in places I was sure I never cleaned, and my ears were ringing. My ass was jiggling so hard I’m sure it looked like it was standing almost still. But then, my calves numbed a little, the sweat started to smell like victory, and as I went faster and higher and my heart beats faster and faster, I am releasing all these crazy things called endorphins, and I realize….I’m happy. Just pure, unadulterated, children on the swings on the playground with the wind in their hair, HAPPY. I finished the entire 30 minute workout. I burned 200 calories, walked 3200 steps, 1.4 miles and I got off of that thing and jumped around in jubilation like Rocky! I realize to avid treadmill enthusiasts this sounds like childs play, but to someone like me, it was like winning the Stanley Cup. Or putting down the Ben & Jerry’s after a spoonful. It was momentus.

I even ran for a short time. Ok, so it was more like a gaited limp, and it only lasted a minute, but it was a run just the same.

And, although I should have collapsed into a heaping mess of sweat and cellulite on the floor, I feel AMAZING. I never thought I would say this, but I can’t wait to do it again.


  1. Thats fantastic! I used to read books when I was on the treadmill at the gym...

    Ok, I did that once , when I went to the gym once..and went on a treadmill once.

    Was it a "gorgeous ninja" treadmill because I think that might have made all the difference for you.

  2. It is totally a gorgeous ninja treadmill. It's so stealth that it sat in our spare room for weeks before I even remembered it was there :)