Monday, March 8, 2010

You say Goodbye, and I say Hello

Deciding to live differently, eat better and lose old habits is very similar to going through detox and somedays I feel like I have been through the longest intervention ever. I am finding more and more everyday that people who truly love you and support you, will stick around even when you try to become something drastically different than what they are used to. It's one of those "you find out who your friends are" moments and it's something you never forget. I feel no shame in the decisions I have made because I own them. I take accountability for my shortcomings and my indiscretions in all areas of my life. I am a flawed woman, I've traveled down the road less traveled, I've loved and lost and hurt, and then I've picked myself up, dusted myself off and moved on. My heart and my mind will remain strong but my body will change.

I say goodbye and farewell to being the "fat friend", the "pretty face if you would just lose the weight" girl, and the lonely, sad woman who binge eats alone to hide her pain and frustration. Adios to late night ice cream, pants that hurt to sit in, oversized shirts that hide my belly fat, high heel shoes I can't wear because my ankles hurt from balancing my weight on them. Ciao to days spent hating myself and the way I feel, to never wanting to get dressed up to go out because I felt so ugly, to always feeling like the odd man out when out with my thinner, prettier friends. Au revoir to feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem, and ever decreasing self worth.

Bonjour to taking my kids to the beach without fear of being harpooned. Guten tag to chasing my kids around the house without feeling winded and to embracing my husbands hands on my waist, rather than cringing and trying to suck in my gut. Aloha to long walks with the dogs without getting tired after going around the block, to walking up stairs without feeling like I need an inhaler, and to becoming a part of my life again.

To all the boys who thought they were taking one for the team by picking the fat girl, to all the exes who made me feel like I was worth less for being overweight, for all the mean girls and their rude "fat bitch" comments, and mostly to MYSELF for not realizing I was worth more than my outer shell, I give you the one finger salute with one hand and the peace sign with the other.

As I enter into this food rehab, I leave all my old vices, insecurities, jaded perceptions, faulty views and insecurities at the door. It's been a wild ride, but it's time to get out of the passenger seat, get into the drivers seat and take control of my journey.

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