I am having a lot of thoughts of how I will cope with not being fat anymore. I have been this person for so long now that it just feels like something I have always been. I don’t remember what it feels like to be thin. I have no recollection of my life before I had to work it around things like fitting into airplane seats, or being able to buckle seat belts, or being to take walks without feeling winded or having to wear full butted underwear. And what if I am one of those people who lose weight and lose their pretty? I am self sabotaging before the thinness has even happened and I hate that. I am spending hours online looking at peoples before and after pictures, wondering which end of the spectrum I will be on. Will I be one of these people with elephant-like loose skin that will require surgery or will I be someone with minimal loose skin that can be lived with for the sake of being thinner? It’s a sick obsession that I can’t walk away from.
I went shopping a couple of days ago and bought two REGULAR size shirts. They didn’t have a 2 in front of the size, there were no X’s on the label and I didn’t need a garbage bag to carry them home in. They were two very lovely, very normal sized cotton shirts that folded into perfect little squares and fit into an adorable little bag. And two of those beautiful, regular shirts cost me less than one of the plus size shirts I was used to buying. The purchase made me very, very happy and the thought of being wear them in the next few months made me realize that whatever happens after this surgery, my mind will adjust along with my body and I will simply make it work.
If I got that excited buying new shirts, can you even imagine (Like OMG, NO WAY!)what I will be like the first time I slip into a non-plus-size pair of JEANS? I mean, could you just die even thinking about it?? I am pretty sure that the day that it happens I am going to have to bring a spare pair of underwear with me (no full butted ones, thank you very much) because I am going to have a denim orgasm. And let’s not even get into talking about the shoes I am going to be able to buy because I’m not sure my heart can handle it. I hope my body is bangin’ after this because I am pretty sure I am going to have to take up stripping to support my shopping habit. I have already decided me and my ninja wife will be setting aside an entire day to go shopping for a dress for my sisters bridal shower. And you can bet my plus sized ass I will be trying on every single dress in the mall, which will be followed by trying on every single pair of shoes in the mall, and spending way too much money on a new purse just to top off the day. She better put on her comfy sneaks, bring a pillow for naps, and be ready for the Mannequin-movie-like parade of insanity!
I have carried around this fat persons persona for so long, and made it so much a part of who I am to myself and other people, that I can’t begin to form an image in my mind of who I want to be when this is all over. One thing I do know is that, despite what changes might occur on the outside, I will still be the crazy, loyal, loving, often too loud, sometimes obscene, trainwreck when I drink, accessory and shoe whoring person I always was on the inside. I will still get on your nerves, hug you a little too long, kiss you inappropriately when we see each other, and make dirty jokes to avoid awkward situations. I will still be me, just in a smaller package.
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