Thursday, May 6, 2010

You wanted it again, you got it!

Why doesn’t Barbie have an anatomically correct vagina? It’s bad enough that her body is unrealistically proportioned, but how has she been around for like 7,000 years and has managed to become a vet and a doctor and have triplet babies with Ken, but hasn’t developed a vagina? Since they have empowered Barbie with such high powered jobs, where is the Trailer Trash Barbie or the Porn Star Barbie. I want to see a shiny box with a bleach blonde Barbie inside whose accessories include a tiny plastic vibrator and boobie tassles. Or how about Manwhore Ken? He comes dressed like a douche wearing Sean John jeans wore low on his waist, with boxers sticking out the top, an oversized t-shirt, thick, fake, gold chains and a Blackberry full of baby mamas numbers. He has a little button on his back and when you press it, it says things like “Imma hang wit the fellas baby and I be back in a few” and then shows up days later with hickies and a bad case of syph but explains it away saying he was kidnapped by leaches and got the syph from sitting on dirty toilet seats.

I so need a job, because I have way too much time to let my overly imaginative mind wander without direction. Anywho….

I got this in my mail box, and since I love answering surveys, and since I can’t focus on anything but Barbie’s plastic, android vagina, this is the rest of Random Thoughts Thursdays. Deal with it.

1. High heels or boots? High heels. They make my stumps look less stumpy.

2. What time did you get up this morning? 7:00 am. The voices in my head were hungry

3. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds studded pearls please!

4. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? I haven't been to the cinema since that uncomfortable episode with me and Pee Wee Herman.

5. What is your favorite TV show? Housewives of any city. It's nice to see women bitchier than I am.

6.What do you usually have for breakfast? Egg beaters and meatless sausage. I know. Be jealous.

7. What is your middle name? Satan. Oh, and Marie.

8. What food do you dislike? FISH!!

9.What is your favorite CD at the moment? The only thing I hear is the circus music playing in my head.

10. What characteristic do you despise? DRAMA!! Save it for your mama.

11. Favorite Clothing? These days, anything that FITS!

12. Anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? AZ to see my mom and get my tan on.

13. Are you an organized person? Not unless you call being extremely anal retentive and OCD organized.

14. Where would you retire to? anywhere the drama queens don't live and can't email me.

15. What was your most memorable birthday? I have wiped all memories of birthdays from my brain now that I am over the age of....ahem, 29.

16.What are you going to do when you finish this? Yoga. I know, funny right.

17. Furthest place you are sending this? Wherever in the wonderful world of blogging it happens to land – I am thinking Australia.

18. Person you expect to send it back first? Quilting In My Pajamas. Because she has a warped sense of humor too, and will totally get why this is fun!

19. When is your birthday? Everyday is my birthday. Buy me something!

20. Are you a morning person or a night person? Talk to me in the morning and if I punch you in the face repeatedly, then I am a night person.

21. What is your shoe size? 10. Just like me. LOL

22. Do you own any animals? I have two messy kids, two step kids, a husband, two dogs and a partridge in a pear tree.

23. Any news you'd like to share? My vagina is healed!

24. What did you want to be when you were little? Big. Which is true irony. Because by BIG, I meant famous, not BIG.

25.What is your favorite flower? The kind that squirt water in your eye.

26. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? May 28th when I get to go see my VT family, and someday in August when my MOMMY COMES HOME!!!

27. Do you wish upon stars? Yes, I wish on Colin Farrell and Ryan Reynolds. I mean, they are stars right? I wish they would love me and leave their skinny bitch wives and profess their love for me.

28 Are your parents alive? yes

29. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? I would be one of those cool rainbow crayons. Not because I am gay but because I am colorful. And not that I have anything against the gays, because I *heart* them, but I also like colorful shiny things, hence the crayon color.

30. How is the weather right now? Sunny and lovely and yearning for me to come walk!

31. Last person you spoke to on the phone? my mommy!! And I LOVE HER!!!

32. Favorite soft drink? Fuck off. I can't have soda anymore asshole. But at least I'm not bitter about it.

33. Favorite restaurant? My old favorite, before I was reduced to eating like a bird, was Chili's or Red Robin, but also Simply Crepes and maybe a little Buffalo Wild Wings. Ohhh and Wendy's. But is that a restaurant really? Damn it, now I'm hungry.

34. Hair color? Which month? This month, blonde.

35. What was your favorite toy as a child? my Mr. Snuffleupagus. Until he died a tragic death while in the attic during a roof replacement. R.I.P. Mr. S.

36. Summer or winter? Fall

37. Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate. Especially when it's rich. Because I like rich things. And shiny things. Which usually cost money. Hence, the rich part.

38. Coffee or tea? It used to be coffee, but decaf is gross. So tea.

39. What was the last magazine you read? People. I know, deep right?

40. Do you want your friends to email you back? If they want to be cool like me.

41. When was the last time you cried? The last time I saw a commercial for Red Robin. Yum.

42. What is under your bed? Dead bodies. Don't look.

43. What did you do last night? You mean after I achieved world peace and found a cure for cancer? Attended my sons baseball game, watched trashy TV and went to bed.

44. What are you afraid of? Clowns. I will kill one if it comes within 50 feet of me. No lie.

45. Salty or sweet? Oooh both. Especially chocolate covered pretzels. Which, again, I can’t have. Bastard surgery!

46. How many years at your current job? 1 glorious year of being a stay at home whore

47. Favorite day of the week? All of them, I don't work. LOL

48. Glass half empty or half full? Depends on who drank from it, and if alcohol is involved.

49. How many people will you send this to? As many as I want to!!

50. How many will respond? All of them, they are losers....I mean, fun like me!

51. Do you like finding out all this stuff about your friends? As long as it has nothing to do with yeast infections, and can't implicate me in a crime, then yes.

Feel free to answer the above questions for yourself in the comment section! Happy Thursday Everyone!


  1. Don't forget about Reality Show Star barbie. That's a valid occupation nowadays. I'm in awe that you came up with fifty one questions. And answered them. Hmmm. I watched TrueBlood last night. Season Two is finally on demand and I saw two episodes. I don't have a favorite soft drink. My parents are still alive, thank goodness, I do wish upon the stars, definitely summer, no movies in 3 years at least, definitely summer, if I were a crayon I would be Cerulean Blue because it's so peaceful sounding, my news is that I probably won't post tonight because I'll be here for three hours completing your frickin survey:-)Favorite restaurant is Cafe Ittri, glass is half full unless my hormones are wacked out and then it is dry as a bone and will never ever be full ever again. Sigh. I'm tired now. See ya, FN.

  2. Ha. Take that QIMP:-) Kidding. I know you are probably sleeping right now unless you are up very late?

  3. Found you through Chicken's Consigliere. Love it. Blog on!