Friday, May 14, 2010

Olive Juice

I am beginning to love myself again. Which is surreal, because my body is in this weird transitional place. Kind of like when you grow your hair out and it gets to that annoying shoulder length, and you think it will never get longer, and then you wake up one day and it has. I look at myself now and I take stock of my stretch marks, my freckles, my sagging skin and I fall in love with it. Because it’s all changing and it’s a part of the new me. The me I always knew I could be, but never had the courage to find. I am in love with this perfect imperfection that makes me whole.

I feel like one of those squishy balls full of gel and when you squeeze it, it forms these weird, mushy shapes but it’s still fun to play with. I am almost half way to my first goal and I never thought I would love being a squishy ball of goo, but I actually do. I love that when my husband hugs me, his arms overlap around my waist. I love that when my daughter puts her hands around my waist she tells me “Mom, you are gonna be skinny like me pretty soon!” (oh, how I wish!!). I love that I can bend over to tie my shoes without holding my breath. Or, that I can drive the car without the steering wheel anywhere near my gut. I love that I can RUN, and that I can bend over and touch my toes. I love that right now things squish and mush and bend and wrinkle, because it means this is working.

Most days I am so busy looking at where I want to be, that I forget to appreciate where I am and how far I have come. I need to readjust my focus from the finish line to how far I am from the starting line. I have lost almost 50 pounds in 8 weeks and that is nothing to sneeze at. I have to learn to be more present and celebrate the smaller victories, if I ever want to really appreciate the big prize when this is all said and done. If I don’t, I will end right back where I started. I need to live every moment of pain, never forget the anguish and hopelessness, and always feel that small amount of resentment so I am reminded to never live in that place again.

By doing that I find that I love that I am finding out new things about myself. That each pound lost is a chance to be a renewed and improved me. And so, I wrote this:

I stand amongst the morning dew,

The rebirth of day at once renewed.

Evening teardrops glisten on carpet green,

Haze of sunshine in between.

Whispering winds sing lullabies,

Tales of stars at midnights skies.

Of this new start I become strong,

Part of this earth I do belong.

Eternal sweetness, hope reborn,

As I wake in the early morn.

Yes, each day is a new beginning. A new chance to be something I never knew I had the strength or the courage to be. A new day to love me in a way I have never let myself before. And because of this, I am finding new ways to love those who support me and believe in me. And that, to me, is the most blessed life I could ever live.

1 comment:

  1. I just love your poem, it is beautiful, which must reflect whats on the inside, :)