Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Cheater, Cheater, Burger Eater
I miss cheat days. I miss that one or two Saturdays a month when you could give the one finger salute to salads and yogurt and chow down on some serious high fat grub. I miss pizza and wings Fridays and going out to dinner and ordering spinach dip and greasy burgers. I miss Dairy Queen Blizzards and Doritos and Chip Dip. I miss Ben AND Jerry, nachos loaded with cheese, movie theater popcorn and SODA! Man, how I miss soda. That is one giant pitfall to this surgery, I can never just take a cheater day again. I know people say that this is for the best, but right now, those people can suck it. Because all I want is to go to Red Robin and scarf down half a tower of fattening onion rings and wash it down with a 1000 calorie A-1 burger and garlic and parmesan fries. Yum!
I got so used to just being overweight that it became my persona. I was just the fat friend with a pretty face who made everyone laugh. And I was ok with that for a long time. And now, I am this whole different person and I am losing sight of what makes me, ME. Is it still politically correct for me to make fat jokes since I am still, technically fat? Would it be worth the pain of “dumping” to just venture out and eat whatever I want for the day? Would my body revolt against me and just shut down? How would I feel the next day since guilt has become a new way of life for me?
It’s weird to go out with my friends and be the only person who can’t drink. Cause let me tell you, I am one FUN drunk! Going to dinner seems uncomfortable when it takes me twice as long to finish a meal half the size of everyone elses. I have to plan my outings around food and when I have to eat again. I can’t just make a run to Mickey D’s and grab a supersized value meal if the urge strikes. It’s like I had this surgery to get over my addiction to food, yet food seems to be the one thing my whole life is centered around. When do I have to eat my next meal? How do I get enough protein? Do I have food to take with me if I go out and it’s during a meal time? There is prep time, and constant grocery store runs, and calorie counting, and sugar monitoring and protein intake to think about. It’s madness.
And I’m not saying the process isn’t worth the outcome. I KNOW that there is a light at the end of this food filled tunnel. And I know that the end result will be worth the long term struggle, but right now, it’s not about that. I have to mourn the things I miss so I can get through the emotion of it, and get to dealing with the acceptance of it. So for this moment, I miss all the things I used to be able to eat just because I wanted to eat them. Even if they brought me to this overweight place. Because it is in the here and now that I am redefining who I am, what I want, and who I can be.
That doesn’t mean I don’t still want that greasy cheeseburger, it just means at least now I really get why I can’t have it. Sort of.