Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Cheater, Cheater, Burger Eater

I miss cheat days. I miss that one or two Saturdays a month when you could give the one finger salute to salads and yogurt and chow down on some serious high fat grub. I miss pizza and wings Fridays and going out to dinner and ordering spinach dip and greasy burgers. I miss Dairy Queen Blizzards and Doritos and Chip Dip. I miss Ben AND Jerry, nachos loaded with cheese, movie theater popcorn and SODA! Man, how I miss soda. That is one giant pitfall to this surgery, I can never just take a cheater day again. I know people say that this is for the best, but right now, those people can suck it. Because all I want is to go to Red Robin and scarf down half a tower of fattening onion rings and wash it down with a 1000 calorie A-1 burger and garlic and parmesan fries. Yum!

I got so used to just being overweight that it became my persona. I was just the fat friend with a pretty face who made everyone laugh. And I was ok with that for a long time. And now, I am this whole different person and I am losing sight of what makes me, ME. Is it still politically correct for me to make fat jokes since I am still, technically fat? Would it be worth the pain of “dumping” to just venture out and eat whatever I want for the day? Would my body revolt against me and just shut down? How would I feel the next day since guilt has become a new way of life for me?

It’s weird to go out with my friends and be the only person who can’t drink. Cause let me tell you, I am one FUN drunk! Going to dinner seems uncomfortable when it takes me twice as long to finish a meal half the size of everyone elses. I have to plan my outings around food and when I have to eat again. I can’t just make a run to Mickey D’s and grab a supersized value meal if the urge strikes. It’s like I had this surgery to get over my addiction to food, yet food seems to be the one thing my whole life is centered around. When do I have to eat my next meal? How do I get enough protein? Do I have food to take with me if I go out and it’s during a meal time? There is prep time, and constant grocery store runs, and calorie counting, and sugar monitoring and protein intake to think about. It’s madness.

And I’m not saying the process isn’t worth the outcome. I KNOW that there is a light at the end of this food filled tunnel. And I know that the end result will be worth the long term struggle, but right now, it’s not about that. I have to mourn the things I miss so I can get through the emotion of it, and get to dealing with the acceptance of it. So for this moment, I miss all the things I used to be able to eat just because I wanted to eat them. Even if they brought me to this overweight place. Because it is in the here and now that I am redefining who I am, what I want, and who I can be.

That doesn’t mean I don’t still want that greasy cheeseburger, it just means at least now I really get why I can’t have it. Sort of.


  1. You are doing a FABULOUS job!! I know for a fact, I could never do it if I was in that position. I can't imagine how hard it is to not be able to cheat, 'cause I know I do it way too often (which would be why I bust my ass at the gym at least 5 days a week and barely lose anything) but you are doing GREAT and I can only be here for you and try my best to understand. Oh, and whenever you need to be angry about anything, come to me, I can be angry with you!! ;)

  2. FN, I also want all that stuff now. Stay strong. Stay strong and crazy like Martin Strel Damn, I have to get that award made. I might be able to help with the soda part. I don't personally like soda-it's too sweet for me-but my weakness is wine and I've been trying to find a substitute because I realized I just can't go around being drunk all the time, you know? Anyway, I found something I really like. Take club soda (no sugar, no calories, but carbonated, see?) and add your favorite juice, but just enough to add a little flavor. I use cran-raspberry. Sometimes I put lemon or lime in it.

  3. Chicken - Ok, first of all I had no idea who Martin Strel was so I googled it (thanks to your daughter!) and now it's funny. I am a Slovian nutbag and I like it. I may start swearing at the TV with an accent now when I exercise. As for the club soda, I can't have any carbonation. I can however, have a glass of wine now and then and one glass makes me tipsy now. And I have no shame in being drunk all the time. LOL

  4. You know what ? I'm not going to mouth pathetic platitudes at you. It does suck you cant have onion rings and greasy burgers and fizzy shit. But it's not forever right?

    Have two glasses of wine, and enjoy the I dont give a crap feeling.

    We're all rooting for you toots!

  5. QIMP - with this surgery it is, technically, supposed to be forever. I am sure one day in the distant future I will be able to partake in at least one deep fried onion ring and maybe a bite or two of that greasy burger. I will, however, take your advice on the glass or two of wine and non-giveacrapedness!

  6. Okay ...I'm really sorry it's forever.

    Try this ...pretend your Jillian Michaels and you're happy with the idea you can never eat grease again. And remeber how it's going to feel as you become that thin svelt gorgeous chic who can laugh at us mere mortals.

    And keep drinking that wine. It's good for you.It's made from grapes and that fruit so it's healthy.

  7. I do like the idea of being thin and svelt and who doesn't like a good laugh at the expense of mere mortals? Good thinking QIMP - I knew there was a reason I like you!

    As for the wine, nice spin on the fruit thing. I am totally using that!

  8. Ok, I'll have the soda, you have the wine and I'll pretend I'm you and you pretend I'm me. Does that make sense? Perfect sense. I don't really have a problem with being drunk all the time either. Like you I'm a fun drunk. The problem is that when I drink wine all I want to do is smoke and I quit smoking so I could, you know, breathe, so I had to quit drinking too. Sucks.

  9. It makes perfect sense. Is that a scary concept or what? I have always wondered what it would be like to be a chicken. I quit smoking 9 months ago and drinking is always my trigger too. I miss it, but the breathing thing....simply fantastic!