'Til Death Do Us Park

So I went to the park the other day to walk outside, soak up some sun and jam to Shinedown, and I was VERY excited to see I owned the park when I got there. There wasn’t another soul in sight. So I got out, picked my ass, put in my earphones and got to walking. When what to my wandering eye should appear, but a creepy man walking behind me wearing knee high socks, old school gym shorts and a Members Only jacket. Crap. Where in hell did he come from??

I was pretty sure his intentions were to rape and maim me and then dump me in a ditch somewhere, so to avoid ending up a “whodunit” story on Dateline, I decided to walk over to my van and pretend to stretch so he could pass me and I could keep a watchful eye on Creepy McKidnapper. He wasn’t violating me while I was listening to angry rock music and getting my walk on. No sir. I kept thinking to myself, “Should I leave?” or “Should I run for the nearest house screaming Stranger Danger! Stranger Danger!!”? I mean he didn’t have his hand in pants and he wasn’t offering me candy or anything, but he was creepy just the same.

So as Members Only guy walks by, and I glare at him through my knock off Gucci sunglasses, he starts chatting. Really? Does it look like I came here to make friends? I am wearing yoga pants, the t-shirt I slept in and an oversized Old Navy sweatshirt and I have earphones in. Hello!?! So I take out the earbuds and say “Excuse me?” and he says “It’s a bit chilly out this morning, eh?” And I think “eh??” Did he come all the way from Canada to kill me cause I hate to disappoint him, but he wasted a two hour drive and a hefty toll. This flabby ninja ain’t going down without a fight. And by fight I mean eye scratching, kicking, screaming like a girl and hair pulling. I knew I should have bought that damned taser!!

Anyway, I nod politely and put my earphones back in, wait for him to start walking and then pull out behind him. He slows down and looks at me like he wants to be walking buddies and chat about the weather and sports. I lip sync quietly to my music as if to say “Look creepy stalker-slash-murderer, I don’t have time for this. I have DVR’d shows at home I need to watch and I would like to sneak in a nap before the kids get home from school, so find someone else to kidnap and torture and leave me the hell alone”. Finally, he gets the hint, tries to look cool by running, apparently gets a cramp of some sort, realizes I am not going to make it easy for him to murder me and steal my eyeballs for souvenirs, gets in his car and leaves.

Phew, that was a close one. I am totally going to buy a taser now. And find a different park.