Tuesday, January 3, 2012

LOL and other annoying teenage things....

While attending my teenage daughters Christmas concert, I found a brand new hatred for annoying teenage girls. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have one and I think she is pretty awesome, but for the most part teenage girls are NOT awesome. They are basically tiny little assholes with cellulite free asses and better hair.

Let’s consider this a PSA for impending adulthood, yougins. Here are some life choices you may want to start reconsidering now - from an “old” person’s point of view:
  1. I do not want to read your ass while you walk away. No matter how “Pink”, “Juicy”, “Precious” or “Cute” Victoria tells you it is, all I am imagining is how fat and wide your ass will grow in the next ten years, and it makes me happy. And we won’t even get into what the boys are thinking. Because, the only thing more disgusting than the VS sweats that you wear day in and day out with your salt covered Uggs, is teenage boys. And I don’t have the energy to write that post.
  2. A high school Christmas concert that your parents and grandparents will be attending is not a reason to dress like you are getting laid for the first time at your Senior prom. Thigh high, skin tight dresses, button down shirts that are ten sizes too small and make your little girl boobies pop out, and 5 inch glittery stripper heels make you look ridiculous. Stick to black dress pants and a nice white sweater and leave the tramp clothes for your pimple faced boyfriend. You’ll have plenty of time to rock those heels in a few years when you are rocking the pole for dollas. Holla!
  3. Speaking of hooker heels….please stop wandering across the stage in them looking like a baby doe taking its first steps. I will admit that sometimes I am coveting your sparkly treasures, but mostly I am just waiting for you to fall. And I will laugh. And then I will be all like “LOL, did u c that grl fall? LMAO”. I will twitter a pic of you lying face down on stage for all my friends to laugh at with me. For realz.
  4. Stop taking pictures with the cell phone that your mom pays for in the girls bathroom. It’s played out and your duck face makes you look like someone just shit in the stall next to you. Nothing says sexy like your overdone face and wet toilet paper on the floor behind you.
  5. Lastly, be a kid. I know teenagers think they know everything and they can’t wait to grow up. But some day you will be grown up, and I promise you, it will suck. Because it is highly overrated, your ass won’t defy gravity like that forever, and you will get bunions.
You’re welcome.

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