I Resolve not to Resolute...or something like that.

I decided a long time ago that I wouldn’t make New Years resolutions anymore. They inevitably only set you up to fail. It’s hard enough starting out a new year and expecting it to be better than the last one. Adding the pressure of losing weight/quitting smoking/not doing crack is just ludicrous.

So, my resolution is to not resolve to do anything but live. Everyday will be like New Years and I will try to better myself in some small way.

Like, by not calling the moron who cuts me off in traffic a scum sucking, ass licking, douchebag.

Or by not cheating in the middle of my yoga DVD and resting in child’s pose for an extra count, only to find myself in the fetal position an hour later, sucking my thumb.

Or by not inhaling half of bag of Hershey’s kisses and then blaming middle age bloating on my pants not fitting.

I will call my mother more often.

I will hug my kids more often. Even when they don’t want me to.

I will stop feeling bad about my body. By buying more Spanx.

I will drink less wine.

I will stop lying about drinking less wine.

I will stop giggling when I fart.

Wait, no I won’t. Scratch that. Farts are funny.

I will simply face this year like I do every other. With gratitude and with personal resolve that has nothing to do with finally losing weight or quitting smoking or some other vice that I have no intent of giving up.

And in turn, that will save me a $50/month gym membership.

It will also save me from doing 25 to life for murdering some fat, chain smoking housewife who is going through withdrawals while hogging my treadmill.

Happy New Year everyone! What is your resolution?