Get off my Lawn....and other things old people (like me!) say...

In exactly 34 days I will be (gulp!) 37. Yup, that is 37 whole years that I have managed not to die. It's no record, but it will be the longest I have ever lived.

And in achieving that record, I am realizing I am becoming, well....older. Because I say things like,

Do not make me come up there, I swear to God!

or,

Because I am the mom, and I said so!

and worse, I actually heard myself yell once,

You damn kids! Get off my lawn or so help me God!

Getting old? Not fun. Not fun at all.

I also find myself comparing things I do as I creep ever so closer to...dare I say it....4-0 to the things I did when in my 20's. Things like this....

20-something: Dude, turn that UP! If I can hear you talking, it isn't loud enough!
30-something: Why is that so LOUD? Is this a fucking movie theater? I don't think so!

20-something: I'll meet you at the club at 11:00!!
30-something: If I am not home, in my PJ's watching the news by 11:00 I will never be able to get up with my kids and go to church.

20-something: Last call? Dude, not cool. Let's get a garbage plate!! Who cares if we have to be to work in 3 hours!!
30-something: How did I get here? Why is there sauagage, egg, green pepper, cheese and a chocolate chip cookie in my hair? Get me some Tums and call me in sick to work. Forever.

20-something: Did you see that total fucking skank in the mini skirt and tube top checking out my boyfriend? I will wreck that home wrecking whore!
30-something: I can't believe that girls mother let her out of the house like that. Poor kid. I should give her my jacket to wear before she catches a cold!

20-something: By the time I am 25 I will be married and having babies with a rich and sexy man and I will be living in the suburbs in a four bedroom colonial with a swimming pool.
30-something: I can't believe I am married with 2 kids, an ex husband, an overdue mortgage and a flooded basement. FML.

Not that adulthood has been a total wash. There may have been more moments of stress and sadness than happiness at times, but the fact that I am here to celebrate another birthday is a pretty cool thing.

I am surrounded by assholes people I love, I have a job I don't have to medicate myself to deal with, I can always afford the big bottle of wine, and my kids are old enough to do chores which allows me more time for the important things....like watching re-runs of Jersey Shore and Housewives of Every-County-Ever-Known-To-Man-Even-If-They-Aren't-Really-Housewives-At-All-But-Instead-Are-Spoiled-Rich-Bitches-With-Sugar-Daddy's-Or-Really-Ugly-Husbands, and paint my nails.

Now get me a heating pad because my back is killing me.

And where is that damn TV Guide??

And does there have to be so much nudity on TV? What happened to the good old shows like Cosby and Full House?

I need some warm milk to settle my stomach before bed. And an Alka Seltzer.

See, getting old...not so bad.