Monday, January 9, 2012

Driving in a Winter Wonderland....blows.

To say that I am not good under pressure is the understatement of the year. Chaos, I can handle. I can multitask like a mother f**ker. But stress? Stress is my nemesis.

It turns me into a swearing, twitching, name calling, foam-coming-out-of-my-mouth, maniac! In a public setting, people would feel bad for me and buy me a milkshake because I would be the sad woman in the corner with Tourettes.

Driving is my very least favorite thing to do. Driving in snow is the equivalent of stringing me up by my short and curlies while ramming a baseball bat up my ass while plucking out my eyelashes one at a time.

Yes, it's that bad.

Everyone is basically an asshole, a c**t (my favorite driving swear word), a fucktard, an ass monkey or an "if-you-don't-know-how-to-drive-in-the-fucking-snow-get-the-hell-off-the-road-you-jackhammer!!" moron.

I swear a world wide text message goes out to every old, senile, half blind, handicapped ass nugget out there to inform them that I will be on the road, and they should join me and piss me off. In these moments, I am pretty sure that the only handicap some people have that allows them that annoying blue placard that hangs on their rearview, is their inability to properly operate a vehicle.

Driving down the interstate the other day with my daughter to go to the dentist, there was a guy doing 40mph (in a 65mph zone!) with his dogs head hanging out the window. Did I mention is was raining/snowing and 23 degrees? See, ass monkeys, all of them.

When I slide in the snow I can see the world coming to the end. I see me lying on the side of the road, missing a limb, bleeding, wearing dirty underwear, one sock, and a crooked smile. I forget everything I was ever taught about not turning the wheel in the other direction or jacking on the breaks and do just that. I hear my husbands annoying voice in my ear telling me three months before the snow hit that I needed new tires.

I panic, close my eyes, and go all Carrie Underwood, "Jesus Take The Wheel" on that bitch and hope for the best.

Did I mention I don't do well with stress?

What stresses you out?

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