Monday, February 22, 2010
23 Days out....
It is 23 days until S-Day. That is what it will be called from now on because the word "surgery" is a little anxiety causing. I have been through the wringer when it comes to being sliced and diced, and although this surgery is voluntary and possibly life changing, it still requires me to put my trust in the hands of someone who has no personal stake in me. I am always afraid I will be that Lifetime movie case who will get put under and one of two things will happen:
1) I will be sedated but able to hear and feel everything and not have the ability to speak or open my eyes.
2) I will be that one in a million case of someone who goes into something seemingly routine and will die from something stupid like a ruptured bladder or a faulty vagina.
That would be just my luck. Die and go in the medical books as the fat chick who went in for gastric bypass and died from a faulty vagina. Splendid.
I am trying to keep the faith because in retrospect I think I am simply working my way through the worst of it to get to the best me I can be. I gave up on me for a very long time. I never thought I was good enough or pretty enough or smart enough to be something more. I came out of a bad first marriage thinking the worlds problems rested solely on my shoulders because I was a bad person. I felt like a failure, I felt like I let my kids down, and mostly, I just felt very alone. When I met Tim, I came alive in a way that I hadn't been for much of my adult life. He made it ok for me to be imperfect because he loved me anyway. When I wanted to run and self destruct, he held my hand and ran with me. When I wanted to shut my eyes to the world and just disappear he brought me to the light and stood beside me. When I spent almost a year being sick, thinking I might die, and wondering why I should keep fighting, he fought for me. Now, as I make this journey he lets me know it's ok to be afraid and he is the soft whisper of encouragement in my ear when I doubt my ability to really follow through with this journey. He makes me feel beautiful and valuable and that is something I don't think I have EVER felt. I can take this step and be this person because I know that through success or failure, he will still love me. I know that I can step away from him and the kids and the expectations that people may have of me, and make this decision for ME.
I have come to realize that I am truly doing something for me for once. I am not doing it to please a man, or fill society's expectations of me. I am doing it because it is the right thing for me at this time in my life. I can step outside of myself every now and then and see a healthier version of the person I have become. I can just be me. Not the fat girl with a pretty face, or the "cancer" girl or the girl who hides behind jokes and smiles to get through the day.
This is my journey, and I am just fortunate to have people on my side who make it that much more fun to be on. I honestly never thought I would have the amount of support that I have received in the last few months. I feel in my heart like people are genuinely happy for me and rooting for me, and that eases the anxiety and pushes me forward.
So, it is 23 days out and with these thoughts in my head I am pushing forward despite my irrational thoughts and fears, because I know I can. And THAT feels truly amazing.