Wednesday, July 7, 2010

This isn’t a race; slow down and enjoy the ride.

Thinking thin mantra #5 is:

This isn’t a race; slow down and enjoy the ride.

Um, really? Not a race my ass!! Everyday of my life has been a race towards, or away from something. And the ride? Don't get me started on the ride. It's like being on a Nascar racetrack, strapped into a five point harness, going 150mph with a drunk racecar driver through rings of fire. It's never boring, it never slows down and it is complete insanity. But you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way.

This journey, for all of its crazy turns and mind bending speeds, makes me feel alive. It makes me feel like I have a purpose, and with every changing day, it reminds me that I can determine where the road will take me. For a long time I was a passenger, sitting quietly, buckled in, watching the scenary as life passed me by. I never bothered to dictate what direction my life should go in. Turn right here? Turn left there? It was easier to let other people decide than it was to unstrap myself, open the door, jump out of the car and hitch a new ride to a new place. Because familiar is better right? Only, familiar landed me at a size 26W, miserable, depressed, unable to walk up a flight of stairs without my knees creaking and my lungs seizing. Familiar landed me on a surgical table fighting to get my life back. Familiar is for suckers. I choose the new and the unknown because at least it forces me to be present.

I fight for this life every single day. Every morning I choose not to be a passenger. I choose to get up, make the right choices, do the right things and turn on my internal GPS so I can get to where I have always seen myself going without the help of anyone else. That's not to say I don't appreciate the love and support of those who truly believe in me, it just means I have to learn to do it on my own for once.

I find that I am surrounded by a lot of backseat drivers on this little road trip. People whispering in my ear that I'm still not good enough. That I still can't do this. And somedays, those voices are loud little fuckers. So I have to remind myself that there are earplugs in the glove compartment. And I have to remind myself to put them in, crank up the radio, roll down the windows and find ways to drown out the naysayers. Because I am worth this struggle. I DESERVE this happiness. And I can't allow myself to be less successful or pretend to be less proud of myself because other people aren't happy with themselves. For this moment in time, it is all about me. At least in my car, while I am driving, the journey is about ME.

So I will enjoy the ride, but I refuse to slow down. I plan on moving ahead and breaking every speed limit until my legs give out and my heart can't take anymore. And when this journey is over, I plan on taking my last breath with a smile on my face knowing that I finally lived my life to the absolute fullest. So my advice to those who want to enjoy the ride with me is to either get in, buckle up and brace yourself, or get the hell out of my way because I won't be stopping for anyone or anything!

1 comment:

  1. Aaah, there's my inspiration for the day. I've been missing you!
    PS to those backseat drivers telling you that you can't do this:
    1. If you don't have something nice to say don't say anything at all
    2. If you don't like the ride, get out and walk!