In just over a month my baby sister is getting married!! It's such an exciting time, but really makes me realize just how OLD I am getting! When did the little girl with bad hair, an enternal puss upon her face and an attitude that could induce murderous thoughts, grow into this beautiful woman who is about to be someones wife? I for one, am not having it. It simply can't happen because her being grown up leaves me no excuse NOT to be grown up. And being a grown up is highly overrated and exhausting.
Her bridal shower was a success and she got so much stuff, especially for her kitchen, that I think our families have single handedly raised the stock for Kitchen Aid. I keep trying to tell her that when you have fancy shit in your kitchen, people actually expect you to use it! So, while she is finding recipes to make me strawberry crepes, cakes that are perfectly round from her springform pans, and casseroles for days, here is her wedding party:
We are a rag tag team of bridesmaids, each with her own issues that you can't help but to laugh at. She couldn't get regular women who could just go pick out dresses and show up at the wedding. Oh no, that would have been too easy! Instead, from left to right she got the following:
Melanie (the grooms sister) - Probably the ONLY bridesmaid without a protruding belly, some sort of surgery or body dysmorphia issues.
Jacquie (Theresa's best friend of like a thousand years) - If being super tiny and having big boobs is a problem, than I wish all my problems were as serious!
Tracy (our sister) - due with our nephew anyday now! So when buying a dress she had to anticipate how early, or how late, she would go into labor and then somehow foreshadow exactly how her body would look just weeks later when the wedding rolled around. Ordering the dress size was a total crap shoot.
Theresa (the Bride!) - totally has dress ADD. She bought her dress last year when she went to visit my mom in AZ because she wanted mom to be a part of it. She has since spent the last year willing herself to continue to love it as a years worth of new styles have presented themselves.
Me - I couldn't buy my dress until the last minute because I didin't know how much weight I would have lost before the wedding. I finally bought a dress thinking I was in the clear with 6 weeks to go, and guess what, it's too friggin big!
Melissa (our lifelong friend) - Has a life busier than Obama's, I swear! She constantly has a million parties going on for various family events and just started a new full time job.
Amy (other future sister in law) - as you can see in the pics, she is currently like 5 months pregnant, which means she will be 7 months pregnant come the wedding and really, how do you buy a dress when you have no idea if you can get one made by the bridal shop, or Omar the Tent Maker? I, myself have been in this predicament before. Not a fun time.
You throw that together in a giant pot of are-you-fucking-kidding-me and it's a wonder and surprise that my sister hasn't murdered us all, and moved her wedding to a remote island where we couldn't find her. But I mean, really, look at these faces and tell me if you could be mad!
My niece Cailyn (Jr Bridesmaid), my niece Taylor (Flower Girl) and my daughter Danielle (Jr Bridesmaid) aka The Divas
Acting like asses after the shower
Practicing the walk down the aisle
Me, 70 POUNDS LIGHTER!!
Now, we are onto the bachelorette party, which in my opinion is the real reason we get married. You get to go out dressed like a total tramp, get shitfaced and make a complete ass of yourself and you can blame it on the fact that you are entering into the sacred land of holy crapimony....I mean, matrimony. Good times are sure to be had by all. Besides, walking in high heels, trying to maintain my balance after too many "good luck" shots, and possibly dancing on a stripper pole can subsitute for a workout, right?
Let the good times roll!