Thursday, June 3, 2010

Random Thoughts Thursday

Random thought #1: Check, check, check, check it out! This is what it's all about! My interview by Say Anything has been posted and I feel pseudo-famous now. I mean famous, like someone actually found what I said amusing enough to post it on THEIR blog famous, but still. Randomly, let me say I re-read my answers and feel slightly douche-like because, while I thought I was amusing at the time, and while the voices in my head were chuckling, maybe I am not as funny as all thirteen of my personalities think I am. Come to think of it, I am pretty sure the voices were probably laughing at me, rather than with me.

Random thought #2: Sugar free lifesavers, while delicious, were created by the devil. They will wreak rectal havoc on your life. Serving size on package says 4'll do ya. My ass says, cut that in half or pay the consequences. One sugar free lifesaver and my tummy is doing the happy dance. Two sugar free lifesavers and my belly is rumbling louder than a Rolling Stones concert. Three sugar free lifesavers and my ass has now been transformed into a bass trombone. Finally, at the fourth sugar free lifesaver, my ass has now become a launching missile shooting liquid fuel and making me walk like I just rode a horse bareback for 12 hours. Not a fun experience. Definitely a way to drop a couple of pounds quickly, so if you have a prom dress or a girdle you just NEED to fit in quickly this is the way to go. But, don't say you haven't been warned. It's like giving birth through your anal canal. Just an FYI.

Random thought #3: What is it about a holiday weekend that makes people think it's ok to drive around with their crusty, unmanicured feet hanging out the window, waving at me in disgust as I pass by? This is just gross. Dashboards were made for hitting your face on during a head on collision, not for displaying your foot fungus and callouses. My only wish for people like this is that when you do face plant into the dashboard after hitting something, your stupid face lands in the exact spot that your dead, stinky, vile skin has started to form a fungus on the dashboard of your car. As the amusement park says: Please keep all hands and foot fungused feet inside the vehicle at all times. On the floor where I don't have to see them causing me to vomit up my protein shake.

Random thought #4: I am going to start training to run a 5k on Monday. Why? Because I. AM. A. RETARD. Who does this voluntarily but someone who is a glutton for punishment? Running is unnecessary unless someone is chasing you in a horror film with a giant butcher knife, or you just missed the ice cream truck. But I promised I would challenge myself, so this is the challenge I have set forth. The most funnest part of me running is that my ass is still so big, that it shakes as if it is independent of my body when I try to jog at even a slow pace. It's like two pigs fighting under a blanket who then start having sex. Not a pretty picture. So an FYI to anyone who just happens to be passing through Perry, NY...avert your eyes if you see a chubby blonde who looks like she is having a seizure and is yelling like she has terets running down the street. It is just me. Do not make any sudden moves and please refrain from taking pictures. Thank you and have a lovely day.


  1. Oh! My! Word!

    Your interview on Say Anything was awesome and this post is a great follow up! Re: #2 (scarily appropriate when you think about it) - SF Jelly Beans are even worse! Ate a whole package in one sitting one time. NEVER touched another one! NEVER!

    Planning to follow! You're too funny! :)

    Beth - general - diet and health

  2. Thanks Beth! So glad to have you along for this crazy ride! As for the sugar free jelly beans - after the livesaver episode, I am going to take your word for it and not give it a go. I don't think my ass could handle it!

  3. FN-hey, how was Vermont? Did I miss a post? Been otherwise occupied. But I did give you a Beautiful Blogger award last week so come by and pick it up when you can.

  4. You. Are. AWESOME! Thanks Chicken! I will be by shortly!!

  5. Mental note to self : Avoid sugar free life savers.

    Funny as always. And congrats on the Say Anything feature. You're a star!