Thigh Gaps and Knee Slaps

So, what's the deal with "thigh gaps"?  I mean, I don't think I ever had one.  Not even as an infant.  Or a fetus.  When I was a kid that was just never a thing.  Girls didn't aspire to be anorexics or Victoria Secret models.  We aspired to have enough Rave hairspray to get us through a weekend of rollerskating and drinking beer on the railroad tracks.  We wanted to make sure that we we had enough safety pins for our bleached out jeans and enough batteries for our walkmans.  I have always had stumpy limbs and I ain't mad about it because it's not only true that "thick thighs save lives", they also save cell phones from falling in the toilet when you're playing Candy Crush in the morning.  They save that last crispy piece of pepperoni from falling on the floor.  They bounce babies which create giggles, which is the best sound in the whole world.  And they look hella good in a pair of skinny jeans.  We, as women, are not meant to look like the 12 year old versions of ourselves.  We are meant to look like humans who have birthed other humans.  Like women who have loved and lost, and drank dranks, and laughed and cried and lived a thousand lifetimes.  So all you skinny bitches eating air and drinking your flat tummy teas for the sake of a "thigh gap", have at it.  I will keep saving lives with these thick thighs, and the occasional cell phone.

Another phrase that cracks me is being someone's "ride or die".  Like, where are we riding and why do we have to die?  It seems really aggressive and extreme.  Can I just be someone's "cruise and live"?  I mean in the end, I'll still be there for you, and in the meantime we can eat pizza and drink whiskey and take the back roads home, and when we get home we can watch some Netflix and fall asleep on the couch and no one has to give up their life.  I say that sounds way better than riding and dying.

I feel like the older I get, the older I realize I am.  I am always using the phrase "when I was a kid", or "kids these days".  The next thing you know I will be telling my kids I had to walk to school in the snow with no shoes, uphill, both ways while carrying my siblings on my back.  Speaking of my back...my poor aching back....

Ok, that's it.