Wednesday, July 20, 2011

So unFLABulous

Ok, so I am all about personal accountability and learning from your mistakes, but really with the leftover skin after gastric bypass? I mean, REALLY? Ya know those stress balls made out of gelatin or mens testicles, or whatever that creepy, squishy material is? Picture that as my ass cheeks. All 6 of them. And you know how you look at a St Bernard and think, “Aw, his jowls are so cute I just want to squeeze them?” Well, that is exactly how you feel if you looked at my stomach. Ooooh, and you know how you used to try to fit 2 quarts of water into a 1 quart balloon when you were a kid and it would sag and then lay unbroken and useless on the ground after trying to throw it. You guessed it, my tits. Some might say it’s a small price to pay after having lost 180+ pounds. I say it’s about 20 pounds of what-the-fuck attached all over my disfigured body as a constant reminder of late night mini pizzas and entire bags of Doritos.

I’m not gonna lie here, I was a total self righteous ASSHOLE when I got my surgery. I was all “I’m not gonna have loose skin because I work out and follow the rules, plus I am all super awesome and my fat ass can defy gravity AND physics so suck on that flabby people!!”. And then, right around losing 150 pounds it happened. I woke up one morning looking like a Sharpei that is one vet visit from being put down. Things just….hung there. Like, “Um yeah, sorry to do this but we have NOWHERE to go so, yeah we are just gonna hang out here….sorry about that”. And I was all like “Really? 12 months of yoga, running, sweating, hiking, eating fat free, sugar free, high protein, low taste bullshit and this is what I get?” And my pants were all like “Hey, at least we are smaller and you don’t sweat in weird places anymore!”. Silver lining….tinged with sarcasm and bitterness. And smells strangely like popcorn.

Don’t get me wrong, I am so eternally grateful to the amazing Dr. O’Malley at Highland Hospital for giving me my life back. And I never did expect to look like I did when I was 18, but I also didn’t expect to look like I probably will at 80 either. In clothes, I rock. See?

But undressed I am a hot, flabby mess. I know I am not alone and there is a secret society out there that no one wants to admit membership to, where other women are undressing and looking like they are Body By Silly Putty but sometimes I feel very isolated in my disappointment. It’s like a giant conspiracy theory going on between the gastric bypass surgeons and the plastic surgeons. And it is what it is, as money makes the world go round, but in a utopian society aftercare would be a part of the process. There would be the gastric bypass and after you have been successful in losing the weight, there would be skin removal. And if one was covered by health insurance for medical reasons, the other should be covered for mental reasons. Because I look in the mirror and DO NOT see what everyone else sees. I still see the insecure fat girl who tells jokes and puts on an air of self confidence to avoid letting the world see how hurt she really is. I feel like I have worked so hard to get to this place and while I am proud of myself for accomplishing so much more than I ever gave myself credit for, I am also disappointed in the fact that I am left with this constant reminder of my past mistakes.

Most days, I am ok. Most days I put on a dress or an outfit and look in the mirror and think, “Wow girl, you did it. You actually pulled it off you crazy bitch!” And other days I think, “Just one more favor God. Just one more. I know it’s selfish and I know there are a million other way more important things in the world that need your attention, but please, just make me feel normal again.”

So, in short, yes, I am "skinny"…..sort of. And yes, I am grateful for the most part. And for the part that is a whiney, ungrateful little bitch who cries like a 5 year old who dropped her ice cream on the ground just as the ice cream truck pulled away, a glass of wine and a reality check usually shuts her the fuck up. But if anyone has an extra $20k lying around that they were just dying to get rid of, or if anyone knows of a good plastic surgeon (or one that performs free surgeries out of their basement with a rusty butter knife and a staple gun), feel free to send either gift my way. Please and thank you.


  1. Oh. My. God. You look freaking incredible.

    I dont think you're selfish for asking for that one more thing. I completely understand why you wanna look hot naked.

    Did I say you look incredible?

  2. So...... I sit here wondering how someone could feel so bad about themselves but be so awesome in the eyes of other people?

    I am left thinking that you do not feel good about it because the people you need or want to make you feel beautiful don't. I could be way off but I think if I felt that way, it would be because other people brought that feeling out in me. ......or...... Maybe our society says you should look a certain way.

    So.... I think you are beautiful the way you are (and the way you were). Just to make sure I am not crazy, I looked up the definition of Beautiful.... Here is what I found:

    Beautiful definition, having beauty; having qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; …

    I thought, is that her? The answer is YES!

    1) having beauty- remember beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Everyone has a different "beautiful". Just to prove it, some people think the singer Meatloaf is hot, ehh not so much. In my case "the beholder", I think your outer beauty is stunning. Beauty is not covering up the real you with a ton of make up or other crap and trying to make yourself look like a magazine. You are real, and you let it show.... That is hot all by it self.

    2) do you have qualities that are of great satisfaction to see, hear and think about? That answer is YES! When I look at you, I can't take my eyes off of you. And yes to be creapy, I have almost 400 photos to prove it. You 100 times better in person. Your great to hear! Your voice is soothing to hear when I am sad, causes butterflies when I get excited. You can hold an intelligent conversation cause you think your smart! Just kidding, you are smart! You can certainly hold your own with being quick witted. Your voice can make me smile and also infuriate me! Best of all it's your voice and not any one else. Are you great to think about? The answer is YES! Whether you know it or not you are thought about all the time. I mean, how could you not be when someone is as pushy as you! Haha! You try so hard to stay in front of everyone's mind but the truth is you don't have to! I think about how great of a person you are. How patient you are (sometimes)! How caring and thoughtful you are (more than most)! How great of a mother you are! How great of a friend you are! How great you are to think about during "private" times ;)! Honestly your thought about all the time because there is so much to think about and smile.

    So after rambling on, I am left with one conclusion! I proved that you fit the definition of beautiful. Even though you don't think so at times, you are beautiful the way you are, sags and all......

    More than anything you need to know you are thought about all the time. You are loved very much. You should be proud, not sad about what you accomplished.

    Love always,

  3. Hey you, sorry I'm coming to this post so late, but I also want to say, wow, you look great. Body issues....well, with all that is out there, we all have them. I think? This is the most honest post I've ever read. What a talent you have for putting it all out there. Come back to blogging. I'm not one to talk because I post maybe once a month, but you have a voice that needs to be heard. Dammit. I hope you are well. If I had that extra 20K I would pass it on.