Friday, December 3, 2010

Eat me.

The day I have dreaded most is finally here. The day I remember what it feels like to be hungry and to want to eat for no reason at all. At almost 9 months and 130 pounds post surgery I find myself sitting at my desk wanting to graze and snack all day long even when I am not hungry. Like an alcoholic with coin in his pocket, standing in front of his favorite bar, I sit here in misery craving a Twix bar or a bag of chips to satisfy a non-existent hunger. I know what you are thinking: So, have a Twix bar or a small bag of chips, right? Well, I have and the craving….it’s still there.

At night, when dinner is cleaned up and put away and the kids have gone to bed and I finally get to sit down and relax, my first instinct is to look for something crunchy and salty, or melty and chocolately to stick into my piehole. It’s like all the ugly and compulsive desires to overeat and devour unhealthy food is sneaking up on me like a bad yeast infection on your wedding day.

I CANNOT go back to being that person. I would rather die than every try to squeeze into a booth at a restaurant or buy slip on shoes rather than ones that tie to avoid bending over ever again. I like being able to see my feet without having to lean forward. I like crossing my legs and buying pants that don’t have to be folded in half to fit on a clothes hanger. I like having only one chin and I like wearing clothes whose size don’t equal my age. Shouldn’t that be enough to stop the urge to binge eat? One would think so, yet here I sit with a skinny angel on one shoulder holding a fat free cheese stick, and a fat little devil on the other shoulder offering me a bite of his ice cream. That devilish little bastard is heavy and loud and keeps spilling drops of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey down my blouse.

I have replaced sitting on the couch, downing a bag of Doritos while watching Maury for yoga and running but something has got to give because while the surgery and the exercise will keep me losing for a little while longer, eventually time, age, life and mini chocolate bars will get the best of me and I have worked way too hard to ever let that happen again.


  1. Hi Ninja, maybe that is a normal part of your process? To go through phases when all of the cravings come back? I guess what I'm saying is maybe it will pass? I hope so. Maybe everytime you start to feel like snacking you could blog or tweet something instead?

  2. Hey there my Ninja friend, don't despair. I am now 15 months from surgery (lap band), and I have been through it, and still fight on occasion. I have had several months where I have felpt like I could possibly fail at this, due to just wanting things, not needing them for fuel. This does pass, but as you know...weightloss is about more in than out, but it is sooooo much more than that. It is such a mental game, and when your head is in the game, nothing stops you, but when your head is not in the game it strays. When this has happened to me, I focus on food as fuel, and put notes in the areas I gravitate to that say "food is fuel" "fuel...put good in, get good performance", and so on. It does get me out of making stupid choices.Call me if you want...even in the cold and we can walk and talk and scream it out. It does help talking to those who suffer right along with you.....hugs Brenda

  3. You won't. Have faith in yourself. So you need a little break from the routine. This is what i always say, "Have the break, then get back on the diet." It doesn't have to be a lifestyle. It can be only one day. The healthy living is the lifestyle...ok, climbing down off my soapbox...

  4. Hi there, long time since we had any blogs from you! Sounds like cravings are normal, but it helps to hear from those who know, good on you brenda! One of the staff members had left a chip packet at work, i couldnt help myself and ate most of what was left they were so good, but then i felt bad for eating them (not because i didnt leave any for anyone else!) So i made sure i ate healthy after that, which made me feel loads better. So maybe we all need to have a little fix, but not let it get to be a habit, ive raved enough, hope you are showing off that skinny bod!