The day I have dreaded most is finally here. The day I remember what it feels like to be hungry and to want to eat for no reason at all. At almost 9 months and 130 pounds post surgery I find myself sitting at my desk wanting to graze and snack all day long even when I am not hungry. Like an alcoholic with coin in his pocket, standing in front of his favorite bar, I sit here in misery craving a Twix bar or a bag of chips to satisfy a non-existent hunger. I know what you are thinking: So, have a Twix bar or a small bag of chips, right? Well, I have and the craving….it’s still there.
At night, when dinner is cleaned up and put away and the kids have gone to bed and I finally get to sit down and relax, my first instinct is to look for something crunchy and salty, or melty and chocolately to stick into my piehole. It’s like all the ugly and compulsive desires to overeat and devour unhealthy food is sneaking up on me like a bad yeast infection on your wedding day.
I CANNOT go back to being that person. I would rather die than every try to squeeze into a booth at a restaurant or buy slip on shoes rather than ones that tie to avoid bending over ever again. I like being able to see my feet without having to lean forward. I like crossing my legs and buying pants that don’t have to be folded in half to fit on a clothes hanger. I like having only one chin and I like wearing clothes whose size don’t equal my age. Shouldn’t that be enough to stop the urge to binge eat? One would think so, yet here I sit with a skinny angel on one shoulder holding a fat free cheese stick, and a fat little devil on the other shoulder offering me a bite of his ice cream. That devilish little bastard is heavy and loud and keeps spilling drops of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey down my blouse.
I have replaced sitting on the couch, downing a bag of Doritos while watching Maury for yoga and running but something has got to give because while the surgery and the exercise will keep me losing for a little while longer, eventually time, age, life and mini chocolate bars will get the best of me and I have worked way too hard to ever let that happen again.